Sunday 30 June 2013

Dear Diary.....

I saw this on another blog, where you write your diary entry from a place in the future where everything is exactly like you want it.  Please note that I have taken some liberty with Character names, as If I didn't, it wouldn't make sense.  There is a list of Characters before the post.  I've also taken some liberties with my life, I live in California now, instead of Australia.  I love visualization exercises, so I thought I would give it ago...

Aaron - My Husband
Steph - The ex wife
Lou - current best-friend 
Rich - Lou's husband



November 1st 2023

Dear Diary,

Well its the day after Halloween and the kids and Aaron are still asleep after a fun filled night.  I'm up early as usual and I've just finished cleaning up after the party, and finally the house is back in some sort of order.  The kids totally destroyed the lounge, but after all that's what kids do - and who can blame them they had such fun.  They will be up soon, and then it will be cartoons, breakfast and maybe a trip to Disney, we all love that, especially the kids and it is Saturday morning after all!

Aaron and I are so happy.  Everything in our life is Bliss, I love it how he holds me when we are sleeping, his strong arms gripping me make me feel like nothing can hurt me in the world, I love it how he kisses me, and grabs me from behind and hugs me, and whispers in my ear that he loves me and only me, and when he kisses me, I still go weak and shake. And the sex, well amazing doesn't even come close!!!

The kids are wonderful too, all growing up way too fast! They truly make Aaron & my family complete. And all of them are so talented in so many ways & all healthy as horses! Aaron loves them all dearly as well.

Lou and Rich left a few days ago now, after there annual trip to burning man. It's always so nice to see them & they are wonderful loving people. I'm so glad to have them in our lives. I just hope Rich doesn't lead any of my beautiful children astray!! Lol! He is such a party animal, Still!  I'm glad Lou & Rich are happy now too, they sorted all their issues out and both of them have great additional partners! I love the lot of them.

We are spending Hanukkah with Aarons family, which will be great.  I love been around all of them, they are such fun, and I love how they laugh and have such a good time.  Aaron's mum is going to teach me how to cook more Hanukkah foods this year, which will be great, I love been in the kitchen with her.  And I think after that we are going to spend Christmas in Australia, with my parents. The kids and Aaron are coming, they love it on the farm, and Mum and Dad love to dote on them.  Then we will come back here, I love it here, the house is amazing, we have fantastic friends and neighbors.  And my shop is going so successfully! I think I'll be earning more than Aaron soon, lol!

I talked to Steph the other day & things are great in her life too, she and her new husband are doing well, about to buy a second house and expecting a new baby - Steph says this will be her last and after 4 (Which is how many we have), I think it's a wise decision, 5 would be intense! Although maybe we could handle another one.

Well Aaron's up now, I can hear him in the kitchen making coffee, so it's off to do the day.

-----------------------------------

It made me both sad and really happy too write that. Sad because its fantasy & happy because its a nice dream!

What is the point

Well here I sit the day after.  I realized quite a few things last night.  One simple one is that in so many ways I am done with life and living.  I have completed the dreams that I could and I have grieved \ am grieving  for the dreams that I will never experience.  There is just nothing left to live for. I realize that I have been walking through in this haze of "No Feelings" - where I ensure that no matter what I am doing,  I am ALWAYS busy enough that I don't actually have to feel anything. This is why I can keep up such a good front I suppose, there has been years of practice.  I contacted those feeling's yesterday, the ones that I won't let myself feel and I cried; I cried for everything I have had & lost, will never have and all the things that will never be. It seems to be this bottomless pit of sadness, this deep well that won't end.  So I am going to keep it there, I can't deal with it at the moment, and right now I don't want to, I'm too close to the edge, without having that to tip me over. 

And all of those feelings are related to the fact that the dreams and goals I have had, have failed, will always fail, and I have no choice in the matter, cause its not up too me.  Well I suppose some elements of them are, but you need to understand the reality of the situation as well, and in all three cases, I have either done all that I could, am doing all that I can.  There are certain circumstances that are out of my control, even if they were in my realms of control before, they are certainly not now. So below are my dreams, simple dreams or so you would think.

  • That I have a Husband, who is kind, loving, attractive, sexual and intelligent.  He's 30-35 is taller than me and I'm 178cm and he is a go getter.  I don't think that is an impossible list.  I think I'm those things.
  • That Steph has a great Husband as well, and she is SO happy
  • I have a Shop that's successful
  • I have a beautiful house and family
And now for the reality check:

I am in a shop that's failing, there is no other word for it.  It was\is my dream though, so I could never hate it, but in so many ways I know that it is over as it was.  I'm in a marriage that I hate, and yet I can't do anything about it, as to do so would be far worse, and I am not talking about me,  I worry about Steph a lot.  I burnt up all my time at University, did a degree that has opted me out of the chances of actual employment, which incidentally took forever to do and took all my uni money. I am now finally skinny and I think looking hot (With Clothes on) - but now I look like a Shar Pei puppy with all this excess rolls of skin. And I don't think owning a house should be an impossibility.  My sister has one, as do most of my cousins, land is just so expensive here. 

When Louise and I were dancing last night, she had all these gay boys around her.  She is such a fag magnet.  And one by one as she introduced them to me, they would smile and move away.  And I am not talking about a cute, like, come follow me smile.  It was a total smile of dismissal, horror that the thought they would even date or look at a guy like me. I know that smile, I got it a lot when I was really fat.

At the end of the night, I did have this nice dance with the hottest guy I think I have ever seen!  He asked for my number, we danced, he kissed me.....It was all very strange and wonderful all at the same time.  I have never had that happen.  It's the first time I have ever been chatted up! He messaged me when I got home and asked what happened to me, and for a photo.  So I told him I went home cause its a long drive (About 2 hours), and sent him through a photo.  And now I haven't heard anything......  So I wonder how good I look in the Drunk glasses.  Hotter than I am obsiviously. 
 I think I should also clarify that in no way does a beautiful house mean something for vogue living.  Or that when I say my Husband is attractive, he doesn't need to be a super model, I just need to love him, and be attracted to him, that's all.

So that's where I am, I know I have said it before, but I know that boys don't like me (At least the ones I like, except that guy last night, which I am still tripping out about, but we can chalk that up to him been drunk) - and that's that. I'm out of options.

I don't want to commit suicide, cause I am worried about the consequences.  I know that sounds strange, but I do worry about it- then I think to myself, the reason that I worry about it is because of my Catholic upbringing.  People who commit suicide go to hell, its that simple to the Catholic's.  I remember a couple of funerals when I was young, that were not allowed to be in the church cause they had killed themselves.  It was so shameful to the family that was left too, to have their child banished from the church.  But then when I really consider it, the Catholics think I am going to Hell anyway -  For having sex with men.  I am not sure if you get send there if you are just attracted to men, I am pretty sure you have to do something. 

So its brought me to interesting place.  The god that I believe in, created gay people as well, and they are certainly not to be punished for love.  I think there are elements of the gay lifestyle that are "bad" - but two men in a loving and committed relationship, is as far as I am concerned accepted and even blessed by God. But If the reason that I don't want to commit suicide is cause I will go to hell, is this based on this old structure as well.  It has to be. So it leaves me in an interesting place.  Maybe it's all just irrelevant.  All of it.  Stephen Delany's words keep haunted me too. " If you are over 35 and you aren't drop-dead gorgeous, don't have a fantastic body, oversized genitals or enough money so that nothing else matters, you are alone. You may have many friends but you will go home alone...You will end up alone, middle-aged and frustrated, always wondering if people really like you or if they just tolerate you."  I know Stephen, I know.




Saturday 29 June 2013

Life....the straight pill and the realization that its all over

Well here I sit again, on a Saturday afternoon, just so over living and life; I have made a realization today - that the friends that I have are not really friends.  None of them actually care about me. I read an interesting article the other day at about if you would take the straight pill, you can read about it here http://kindagayblog.com/would-you-take-a-straight-pill/ - And for the record, I would 100% take the straight pill, life would just be a lot fucking easier  but it was a comment towards the end, from a guy called Stephen Delaney, that broke my heart:

"Steve Delaney · Northwestern University.
Yes, I would take the pill. I'm in my fifties, and I would give anything to live my life again while I was heterosexual. Being gay sounds like an endless party, and it can be as long as you are young and good looking. If you are over 35 and you aren't drop-dead gorgeous, don't have a fantastic body, oversized genitals or enough money so that nothing else matters, you are alone. You may have many friends but you will go home alone, because all the men your age are looking for twentysomethings for the night. You will end up alone, middle-aged and frustrated, always wondering if people really like you or if they just tolerate you. Its different if you are gay and in your twenties now, because the world is more open to you than ever before, but I wonder what it will be like when you are middle-aged. I hope it is better than it is for me."


Just for the record Steve, things ain't!  The facts of the matter - that you stated so eloquently are exactly correct.  It sucks.  But it seems that its the way things are.

I think, no I know, that my friends tolerate me, and try to accommodate me when it suits them. But I'm done with them all. So over it, time for a new life, new friends or time for no life at all.

Friday 28 June 2013

Good morning

Good morning my angel, how are you today. I really need you now, I had about of Mr. Right now last night, and realize it just made me want you more. I love you xxx ooo

Wednesday 26 June 2013

Good night

Good night my baby, I'm going to bed now. I love you, I'm working hard, so that I'm beautiful for you when we finally meet each other. You can't believe how much I miss you, I need you...so much. Ok now I'm sounding like a Whiny bitch - love you good night xxx ooo

Good morning

Hello my angel, how are you? I'm so cold this morning!! Winter is bad, lol! Love u xxx ooo

Tuesday 25 June 2013

Good night

Good night my baby. I love you, and I miss you terribly, I can't wait until your holding me. I need to feel your arms around me!!! I hope your happy where ever you are. Love u xxx ooo

Skin shrinkage

Good morning baby, how r u? I'm good, just waiting for coffee at work. I think my skin is shrinking!! Amazing!!!! Maybe all hope isn't lost!! Love u xxx ooo

Monday 24 June 2013

Off to bed

I'm going to bed now baby. In the end I did nothing today, got all dressed up then got back on my pjs. Lets hope for a better one tomorrow - love u xxx ooo

What I thought

A couple of days ago, I stopped posting here for a little while, cause I was worried that doing this, and talking to this gay boyfriend, who doesn't exist, might be actually the thing that was making me depressed.  But I realize now that its not that at all, every time I write a little loving message here to him, who ever him is, I get this little burst of happiness.  In some way the fantasy lives, If only for a moment, and my heart soars.

I'm so unsure of anything anymore.  I just want to die, everything would be so much fucking easier if I just died!

Good morning

Good morning my baby. I have the day off today. One of my mates invited me to go to dreamworld - but that don't make the wife happy - so we aren't going now  :( Anyway, I thought I was only really disappoint cause the mate that invited me is the one I love. So I suppose I just wanted to go and live the deluded fantasy for a while, anyway, what to do now on my day off? Love you xxx ooo

Sunday 23 June 2013

Good morning

Good morning baby. I'm sorry I haven't msg'ed you in the last couple of days but I thought that it might have been you that was making me depressed. But I am feeling happy at the moment, which is great. And I don't think it has anything to do with you. I wish I was waking up at your house though this morning. I had to get a hot water bottle last night - I placed it at my back, and imagined it was you hugging me, making me warm. Love you baby xxx ooo

Friday 21 June 2013

Good morning

Hello my baby, how are you today? I've gotten up like hella early, but it's ok, I love you - happy Soltice. It's Yule here in the south. So I hope you get all your Yuletide dreams n a good Yule log ;) love you xxx ooo

Thursday 20 June 2013

Good night

Good night baby, I love you, I just wish you were here. Xxx ooo

Hey

Well what do you do if nothing makes you happy anymore. Nothing, everything seems just that - pointless. I have no hope - I know that I'm not going to be happy, I just can't do it - I'm never going to get what I want. They say that "Contentment is the most noble cause on earth" - and there is no way I have ever been content and there is certainly no chance of it now. There is no hope. I should die and release the people I have trapped and ensnared in my life.

Hey baby

Hey baby, how's your day? Mines ok, just hanging in the shop - but I'm f'ing cold! Any ways I just thought I would MSG you and tell you I love you, miss you and can't wait to be in your arms. Love you xxx ooo

F'ing work

Well here I am at work. Bored as, no customers, and me just sitting behind my counter, there is plenty to do, but I couldn't be fucked, I know that I need to be happy so I thought I would send a message to you. What are you doing? Hope your having fun! Love you xxx ooo

Good morning

Hello my baby. I've just woken up - god it's cold here this morning. Love u hope you have a good day. Xxx ooo

Wednesday 19 June 2013

Good night

Good night baby. I love you xxx ooo

FML - I just dont know what else to call it

Well here I sit again, in the depths of depression, still with nothing sorted out.  There are so many things wrong now, I am not sure what to do anymore.  Everyday things get worse.  I wish I would die, I really do, I wish god would just take me and all this shit would end.  It appears that there is nothing that I can do or say - everything appears to be over now - so I don't understand why it shouldn't be for my life. 

Firstly, it appears that my business is finished.  I don't think that its going to be viable if we move, which was our plan to make it viable, we can't stay where we are and it appears now that all its going to do is put me in a lot of debt, from which, I will have to go bankrupt.  I am already in an extreme amount of debt now, however all of it is covered by the business and business was good, up until recently, when a series of unfortunate events have dried up the tourists in my town.  I have no other money, no other sources of income, so if that goes, money and lifestyle are all down the drain. Total eggs in one basket story, but its so hard not to do that when you own a shop.  So I am going to have to get a job. There are a few about so I am having to fill in applications now.

Secondly, nothing has changed in the relationship, she knows that something isn't right and she is questioning me about it, and I am answering truthfully, but she seems to be holding on to something that isn't there. And why shouldn't she, I suppose, it was her creation in the first place, not that I am saying I didn't participate in its creation, or its continuation - but she knew I was gay before I met her, and she still dived in head first - Even though I was trying to be the word of caution.  But then in saying that she isn't going to be the arsehole at the end of this, I am - I'm going to be the fag that married a straight girl, and broke her heart. 

To be fair, I certainly haven't said that its over, as I don't want to do that too her.  I know that sounds strange, but she isn't the most emotionally stable person, and my plan is to kind of gently nudge her out the door, with a job, a new boyfriend and a new life.  I am letting her know all the time that its finished in so many ways.  We had a big discussion the other day about the reality of no matter what she does, in regards to getting pretty, she will never be more attractive to me than she is now.  I couldn't disagree with her, as right now, I love her and that's what gives me the ability to have sex with her, not because of her physical attractiveness.  I should add, she is a very beautiful woman - Straight guys drool over her, and she has a body that women would kill for.

I watched some video on you tube today about straight people finding out that there partner was gay.  Most of them were devastated at first, but got over it.  But there was always deception in the beginning. As in they lied and stated that they weren't gay and then later said they were.  Not that all of them lied, but that's not the point that I am trying to make.  The point is I have never lied to her about my sexuality.  She has always known and knows that I am attracted to men and that I am not fond of having sex with women; and certainly the only woman I will ever sleep with is her and she knows that. But I am sure that in the end, the relationship ending will be tragic, no doubt of that.

My straight mate that I am so in love with, is so now with his new girlfriend, and I am happy for him, I really am, but I am sad too, cause I just want a man like him so much.  But then again thats just stupidity so I need to get it out of my head.  My man only exists here, and I need to remember that.  I also need to remember that straight mates are just that, straight mates.  Not potential boyfriends or husbands.  I wish he loved me like that - every essence of my being wishes that.  I should add that he knows this.  I told him once that I would leave everything in my life, for a chance to be with him, and that whoever gets him should know that they are one of the most lucky people in the world.  I remember once too when we were drunk, he asked if there was any way that I knew to make him gay - cause if there was he would do it, and we could be together.  More deluded fantasy!!!! 

There is this Joe Brooks song called "For You", that I am in love with at the moment.  It is so how I feel right now.  Like I am waiting for some imaginary man...(Deluded fantastical rant begin here....) That will be Jewish, who's parents will love me, he will adore me, and I will adore him and we will travel the world together, adopt babies together, live in the most amazing house, that's filled with love.  We will have all these friends, who love us and think we are just the greatest couple, and that won't be a lie, we will be! But I also know that this is just more deluded fantasy. 

My health kick is pointless.  I am still doing everything, eating right, excerising, but the loose skin is becoming really noticible now.  I enquired about getting a full body lift, a cosmetic surgical procedure, which is going to be nearly 10, 000 and the reality is I can't afford that and more to the point, it sounds really full on, and I am going to have permenant scaring and there is the possiblity of all these complications.  So I am not that keen anyway.  But none the less it appears to be an impossibility as well money wise which certainly seems like its going to be an impossibility for me to ever have an attractive body.  Now that I am getting thin, I am starting to look good in clothes, its quite another story when you see my naked body, with all the excessive skin, draped over it like the fabric on an ancient roman sculpture. Great sagging sacks on my stomach and thighs - not attractive - So I already know that there will never be any man that wants to take that on, and the only ones that do, I won't be attracted too, which makes me seem shallow - which I'm not - I have loved all sorts of guys, in all shapes in sizes, but I know that I like guys that look after themselves, they don't have to be Adonis, but it would be nice for them to have strong arms, a healthy body and want to look good and be presentable to the rest of the world.  I don't think that's shallow, well I hope its not shallow.

In all honesty I feel now that I should pack up the shop, try and pay back as much money as I can, which hopefully will be most of it.  Get the wife sorted, get her a new husband, new job, life etc.  Distance myself from everyone that way ensuring there were minimal people in my life, and then I could kill myself and no one would know.  There is a movie called, "Dreams of a Life", about a lady in London that died in her apartment and her body wasn't discovered for three years, which at that point was just a skeleton.  That would be awesome, in some ways I think, to have no one to worry about you for three years - you would know that you hadn't left anyone or anything, people just forgot about you, or thought that you just moved on to bigger and better things.  I'd like people to think that, rather than he took his life - and they ruled her death as "Unascertained" - that would be so much better the suicide on the death certificate. 

Maybe just disappearing has occurred to me too, like walking into the ocean.  That would certainly satisfy lots of ancient poetry that I have read,"My love and life is lost, so I walked into the sea", or just walking off into the desert.  I am pretty sure that would still be considered suicide, and since I do worry about the end of this life and what will happen to me - it is a concern of mine.

Well I am sure things will continue - I hope I can hold on and keep everything in balance, which I am finding so hard at the moment. 

Oh God - Please just let me die!


Good morning

Good morning my angel. How are you? It's my day off today, but it's so cold that I haven't left the bedroom yet. I wish I could go and hang out with you for the day or maybe we could just stay in bed most of the day, keeping each other warm. Love u xxx ooo

Tuesday 18 June 2013

Good night

Good night my baby boy. I love you. I wish you were holding me right now. And I was safe and warm in your arms. I love you & miss you. Please come to me soon. I love you xxx ooo

Hey

Hey baby, how r u? I love you & miss you terribly tonight. I don't know why but I rented a movie on iTunes about Disney & I'm watching it now. I so hope one day we will go there & you will hold my hand as we walk around. I miss u xxx ooo

Hey baby

Hey baby, how's your day? Mines good. I think I'm going to get a tattoo. So I'm going to start thinking about all the things I want in it. I think I'm going to get my back done. Love u xxx ooo

Monday 17 June 2013

Good night

Good night baby, I hardly spoke to you at all today, I love u. Good night xxx ooo

Good morning

Good morning my angel, how r u? I'm good, I went to sleep so early last night. Did a work out, had breakfast and am now about to get ready for work. I love you, hope your having a great day! Love u xxx ooo

Sunday 16 June 2013

Hello baby

Hello my baby, how r u? I'm off to the cafe soon, but I thought I would just message you and say how much I love you! Hope you have a great arvo, love u xxx ooo

Good morning

Hello my angel, how are you today? I'm good. I had a head ache all last night n I still had one this morning, it's gone now, thankfully - I think it was just because it was too cold. I'm just not good in the cold. I'm going to go to the markets this morning I think, I mean why not? Then I think I will go have lunch at a cafe with some friends, (Even though I already know that I'm tots going to blow my calorie allowance :( oh well, we can't be good all the time. Love you, hope you have a great day! Xxx ooo

Good night

Good night baby. I got all dressed up to go out & then I thought, what's the point!?! So I then got into my pjs and am now going to bed. I hope you have an awesome night where ever you are. Love u. Xxx ooo

Saturday 15 June 2013

Hey baby.....

Hey baby. How's the day? Mine was good, I had a big workout this morning & another one this afternoon & work in between. And now I'm writing this to you after having a shower. I love the feeling of a shower after a workout, the hot water and the smell of the products etc. I feel so good right now, I'm just lying on the bed in my nice soft pj's even though I'm sure I will have to get out of them, after all the night is v v young, hasn't even been born yet! who knows, I might meet you tonite! I love you! Xxx ooo

Good morning angel

Good morning my archangel, how did you sleep? I'm still on my mission to look beautiful for you, I've got new clothes coming, I spent way too much on a pair of Louis Vuitton boots. But they look so hot! I miss you. I sometimes get to thinking now that your never going to come. And I suppose I have to make peace with that, however hard it is. But then who knows you might be just around the corner. I'm going to start getting ready for work now, I hope you have a great day! I love you xxx ooo

Friday 14 June 2013

Good night

Good night my baby! I love you so much. I'm becoming sure that a life with you is never going to happen - xxx ooo good night

Good morning

Hello my baby, how was your sleep. I went to sleep on the couch watching tv last night. I had the nicest dreams about you. I love you, I'm going to have a coffee now, n get ready for the day. I love you xxx ooo

Thursday 13 June 2013

I wonder

Life.....it really makes you wonder, I'm pretty sure now that there is actually no point in living. I mean it seems at the end of your life, the bad things, sad things, lonely things all far out weigh the good things & happy things.

I am starting to become angry as well. I'm just so mad at everything. Mad at the world, my life, my friends. I can't seem to help it, I'm unhappy and I seem to want to make others unhappy too, which I know sounds silly, even as I write it, I feel stupid. But there is nothing I can do about it unless I recognise it. 

There is a wonderful song by a band called Portishead, called Wandering Star. Now I'm not saying that I'm a star (As in famous), but I am a star and so are you, we are all made from the dust of stars; when I hear that song, it speaks to my soul. So below is my interpretation, and how I feel.

Wandering Star - Portishead.

Please, could you stay a while to share my grief?
For it's such a lovely day
To have to always feel this way

This is how I feel everyday. The world is a lovely place (For some), but there are those that have wonderful days, and for me I am frequented by them. Good days, filled with happy people & lots of love - but I just can't feel it, cause of my "Grief" - which is unexplainable. I'm sad at my life I suppose. The situations I'm in or have been in. The love that I get, is often from the wrong people, and I often get no love from the people that I really want to love me.

And the time that I will suffer less
Is when I never have to wake

So true the day I die, I won't have to do this shit no more.

Wandering stars
For whom it is reserved
The blackness of darkness, forever
Wandering stars
For whom it is preserved
The blackness of darkness, forever





And That's it I suppose, Blackness and Darkness Forever.  This situation is never going to be alleviated. And I know that, its called making your bed and lying in it.
 

Those who have seen the needles eye now tread
Like a husk from which all that was now has fled
And the masks that the monsters wear
To feed upon their prey


This for me is about seeing the pointlessness of your life, and now all the essence for living has left your body.  The monsters, I suppose are people, some of them are meant to be monsters, others are just doing what comes naturally. They can sometimes be the nicest of people, but its only after they have "Fed" that you understand.

So that's where I am today, not really sure where to go from here.  I am understanding more and more, that the only way out of the situation I am in is death.  I don't want to kill myself, I keep begging to the gods, pleading that they will see fit to take me, naturally, and that way there will be no terribleness in my passing.  

The health kick is pointless, I am never going to look the way I want.  There is just too much excessive skin, and its always going to be there, unless I get surgery, which I am very reluctant to do. So I don't see the point in still going.  I wish I had started losing weight so much earlier, when I was a teenager, and now I could see my life been so much different.  Boys like boys that are attractive.  That's the truth, no one will convince me otherwise. And there isn't going to be any boys that like me with all the excessive skin.  I don't like the look of it, why would they?

Don't get me wrong, I know that I am young, and I am sure that many people would say, "Your just young, you don't know whats going to happen tomorrow!" - Well, I have been living with that mentality since I was 12, or possibly younger, ever since I found out there was a way to hit your exit button, I've wanted to hit mine.  I suppose now, looking back at when I really decided to get fat, it was because of that.  I wanted to die so badly, that I thought I could if I ate enough shit to kill my body systems, well you get the rest... 

But alas that was not to be. I attempted suicide a few times in my life.  The time that I got the closest was when I was about 16.  My only wish about it now, is that I wish I had succeeded.  My life would be ended (Which incidentally I would be happy about)  - and I wouldn't have fucked up so many other peoples lives in the process of me continuing to live.  Everything I touch turns to shit, I know that, so I need to learn to stop touching stuff, lol!

There is a gay couple that lives in the same town that I do.  And personally they make me sick.  The guy that is obsiviously the bottom in the relationship, sleeps around on his husband, has a permant extra lover, bleeds him for money, and to be honest I have never seen him say one nice thing about his partner, EVER!  It makes me so sad.  I watched some terrible MTV show the other day with a little gay guy having a birthday party that was rainforest themed, he treated his man like shit.  THATS NOT ON!!! Why would you do that.  If you are lucky enough to have found someone to love you like that WHY on EARTH would you fuck it up.  It just makes no sense.  

If I had a boy, and my life was different, I would treat him like a god.  I would adore him, love him do anything for him; and I hope that he would do the same for me.....but thats enough of that deluded fantasy.  

Well thats it I suppose, lets keep going on and on and on and on and on.........

Good morning

Hello baby! How are you? I'm off to go shopping today I think....why not? Love you xxx ooo

Wednesday 12 June 2013

Hey baby

Hello my beautiful man! How are you? I'm just thinking about you & a holiday with you some where beautiful. (Still voting for Disney land! :D Then maybe after that a trip round the Caribbean) love you, hope your having a nice night xxxx oooo

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Finish lunch

Hey baby! How's your day? I've just finished lunch. Dancing was cool, but the power went out, so we just danced to drums, the sound of us singing & what ever other noises people could make, lol! It was kinda dumb :D I love you though xxx ooo

Good morning

Hey baby, how are you? I'm good, running late, it's my day off today, but I'm going dancing with friends of my today at this dance class thing - which is basically just some trance music playing and all these people coming to dance. I'm hoping it will cheer me up. Love you, hope you are having a great day, wherever you are xxx ooo

My life update

Well I should start by saying that right now I'm really depressed. Everything is so screwed up. My head is definitely the worse of the screwed I think. There is nothing that I can do to make everything ok. Nothing. I can't see myself in any better situation - ever. I have deluded fantasies and I need to accept that. I live a life in which I know that which I dream about can never come to be.

I realised today as well, that the excessive skin that I have, due to me been so fat, is never going away, so really Whats of the health kick - because what's it for anyway, a deluded fantasy that's never going to come to pass. Not in this lifetime. 

And you know no matter what I do to try and quite my head and just settle & calm the fuck down; nothing works. I wish for death. I pray everyday that god will take me and relieve me if this burden of life. But that's not going to happen either. I need to just be happy with my lot, and I should be. Every aspect of my life is pretty awesome compared to this - I mean I have some issues, but nothing that can't be resolved. I just want it to end.

But solider on none the less I suppose.

Tuesday 11 June 2013

Hey. Baby arvo

Hey baby, how was your day? I'm just at home now chilling, after a full on day at work - started doing squats today, I want to do 150 a day. Irrelevant of the gym, that should tighten my core, lol! Sorry ill shut up now. I got a nice Versace tshit today too - it's awesome. I love you, I hope ur having fun! Xxxx oooo

Good morning baby

Hello beautiful boy, how are you today? I'm ready for work now and am about to go but I thought I would message you first. Busy day ahead? I'm so not sure about the shop at the moment. I think it might be time to start looking for a new career. :( that's so sad! I love my shop, but it's just not working :( love you baby, I hope I c u today! Xxx ooo

Good morning

Good morning baby! How are you? I just woke up, so I'm still a little sleepy - but I love you! Xxx ooo I had dreams about you xxx ooo

Monday 10 June 2013

Good night

Good night baby xxx ooo I'm going to bed now. I love you, n miss you n wish I could hold u xxx ooo

Interesting life, what to do!?!

My life is certainly interesting. No doubt of that! I fall for straight mates of mine so easily. I just can't help it - all of them are beautiful wonderful people, who deserve to be with amazing women!!! Some of them are with wonderful women - that I adore, some if them are with bitches or whores, neither do I mind, but it would be good if they were nice at least. But it's such torture - my best mate, who I love so much - has recently got himself a girlfriend. I'm sure she's nice, but I can't help but dislike her - and of course it's got nothing to do with her. It's because I love him so much, and have shed many tears over him since this new woman came along!

I am not doing well at the moment - I just can't seem to get happy - there is just so much going on, and so many things that I'm considering. Relationships are so hard. I can tell that Steph (My fag hag wife) knows that I'm not happy on our relationship. She is trying everything to make it work, but I can't say that it is. Louise said that we would make it last a least a year. But I'm not sure about that. Half of me wants it to be over - and half of me thinks it would be the worse idea in the whole world. So what to do?!?!?

It frightens me what will happen. I can't say that I haven't been thinking about suicide - sometimes I think it would just be easier (I'm not going too, but just think it would be easier if I was dead!) But I think of all the people that would be left & the burden they would have if I committed suicide. Not to mention the fact that I believe in the afterlife & I'm just not quite sure what might happen.

Who knows? And then I have this deluded fantasy of there been some perfect man for me out there, who will know everything about me and still love me and want me. I feel in all honesty I feel that I'm just so fucked up, I'm beyond all help. There is certainly no way that I can reset my life, so the bed that I have made I need to lay in. That I suppose is it really, just ride the storm.

Home time

Hey baby, how was your morning? I'm about to go home soon. It's been an ok day. I'm really missing you at the moment. Rainy, cold days always make me think about you more & want you to be here with me more. Fuck I miss you - WHERE R U???? Any way I'm going to pack up the shop. I love you xxx ooo

At work

Hey baby, how r u? I'm at work now, sitting here hoping someone comes in. I wish we were at the beach together today. It's not the best weather for it. But I'm sure it would be nice with you. Love you xxx ooo

Good morning

Hey baby, how was your sleep - mine was good. I've just woken up, and of course my first thoughts are about you. It's a public holiday today, but I'm going to work :( How suckful is that!!!! I love you and can't wait to be with you. If you were here I would so be having the day with you! Love you xxx ooo

Sunday 9 June 2013

The day after...

Hey baby, how's was your night? Mine was great - I'm still recovering, I lost my phone for a while, but found it in the back of my friends car! I drank way too much - Louise (You haven't met her, but she's awesome! Or maybe you have, she has been everywhere!) said she could drink me under the table, I said she couldn't, so 7 Long Island ice teas, and 7 of these things called death shots (Which is Absinthe & tequila) later, I went out for a ciggy (I know I'm sorry - but forgive me I was drinking!!!!) and then they wouldn't let me back in! How fucked! Lol - but I needed to go home anyway! So I did and have been so sick all day! I'm just going to watch so TV now - love you xxx ooo

Saturday 8 June 2013

Getting a lift

Hey baby - I'm waiting for my lift now, and just thought I would message you. I wonder where the crew are? Running late as usual I suppose! My sweater is wet! :( which is shit! I wish it was nice and dry. I must say I don't really feel like going out - would rather be tucked up here at home (Or yours, it wouldn't matter), with you, watch tv or maybe doing naughty things! ;) lol! That would be nice! I just brought an awesome pair of Roberto Cavalli boots, on eBay, they are beautiful! I hope you like them. I can't wait for sushi either - I'm so hungry!!! God damn ppl who eat late! I hope you have a good night where ever you are. Love you xxx ooo

Who am I? Who Are You?

Well I suppose this is a good enough place to start…..


I am a 30 year old gay male.  I live in the Gold Coast Hinterland in Australia, where I manage a shop.  I have never had a "Real Boyfriend", and I know why.  I have always been fat (Until Recently), and it has held me back from a lot of things.  School was merciless, school for fat kids is always bad I suppose, and for fat gay kids its even worse.  There are so many things that I regret from then….one is that I just didn't get off my arse and try to lose some weight - I never did, I just kept eating.  I regret never having a high school boyfriend, never making out with anyone, losing my youth and my teenage hood, and its only now that I realise it.  This continued until I was about 20, when I weighed in at a total of 507 pounds (230 Kgs) - it was at that point that I went, OMFG! What have I done to myself and I began a health regime.  I implore anyone that is overweight, gay and single to loose weight! Do it for yourself! Do it for a Life! And Do it before its too late!

I am now 196 pounds (89 kg), so still tubby around the middle, but its going, I run all the time, I go the gym and I eat only the healthiest of foods.  Unfortunately it is true, the only way to lose weight is through diet and exercise.  Sad but true. I just hope that I loose the extra skin, if it is that, maybe its still just fat? Who knows?  I wanted to work in the fashion industry and still to this day its one of my greatest passions and interests, I so can not wait to fit into those beautiful clothes for the first time in my life.

When I went to college I did have some casual sex buddies, but none of them were boyfriend material, or even people that I wanted to date.  I fell in love with so many of my straight guy friends at uni.  One of them was the great love of my life but he went mad, and I don't see him anymore.  Besides it hurts too much to think about him now anyway.

In uni I had lots of friends though, heaps of which I am still friends with to this day. And friends, god love them, will lie to you.  They always used to tell me that there was no reason that I shouldn't have a boyfriend, and that the boys are just all missing out.  I needed to discover the truth on my own which I think now I have, which is why I am on such a huge health kick, and a long one I might add! (But then again I can't say there haven't been slip ups on the way.)

When I left uni, I moved in with one of my friends.  She was the greatest fag hag anyone could have asked for.  Now let me point out here, at this point in the story, that I am still to this day not really sure how or why the events that I am about to transcribe occurred, however they did…At no point in my life have I identified as bi or straight.  I am a gay guy, people know it the moment that they meet me, and I don't mean to do it - it just happens.  When I came out. people were like, "What? You have only just worked that out?" and I was all shocked, thinking, "Wow, did every one know before I did?" - My parents were a different story, coming from a strong Irish Catholic family, I was of course going to hell, my lifestyle was certainly not approved of, and serious shit went down, but that is a story for another day.

My great fag hag and I lived together for ages, however she lack serious social skills, due to her been raised in a rural area in a strong traditional family.  Therefore she doesn't meet people etc. (And I must say that it is a concern of mine, as with out me she really has no one, besides her very disapproving family) After living together for a while, she seduced me one night, and before you knew it we were sleeping together.  And before I knew it, she was suddenly my girlfriend, my family were blissfully happy (Her's weren't I might add.  And I should also add that my family were all saying, "How wonderful, he has finally found the right girl!"), and I can't say that I wasn't happy either.  People started to treat me like a straight man.  It was amazing.  I know that gay rights have moved on, but I do distinctly remember saying to her, "I am never going back to been gay! The way that people treat you is so different!" and its true.  No longer was I a novelty or some sort of entertainment.  I mattered, my opinion mattered, and it was all because I was straight.  I am so sorry to write that down, but its true.

Time moved on, and before I knew it we were married, and recently I have worked out that I was in some sort of haze, some deluded dream, and its only now that the fog is starting to clear and I can see clearly. 

We were in a open relationship, even after our marriage, I had always said, that I couldn't never not be gay again for the rest of my life, and I thought it unfair for her to never have a partner that was truly passionate and lustful towards her.  Since I have been losing weight, and since I don't look so repulsive anymore, I have been chatted up a couple of times in my shop recently - as I said we have been in an open relationship - however the moment that there was a potential for me to go on a date, she freaked, and we are now in the process of sorting out what to do. 

She wants me to stay and be a husband and a father and all this other stuff - which I can't say I don't want to do either but  I think, no I know, that I want a man, someone tall dark and handsome, someone smart, someone fit.  So we are now in the process of breaking up I suppose.  Which is really hard.  and I know that I am going to be the asshole gay guy that married a straight woman. And I worry about her, and what going to happen.

So I started this text message blog.  These are texts from another deluded fantasy of mine (One I suppose I hope will come true) - one where I have a boyfriend, who I love, and who loves me.  It brings me comfort to message someone, even if that someone isn't there, or possibly will never be there……….

Nearly ready!

Hey baby, what u doin? I'm just about ready to go out - well nearly I'm in my boxers, and I've had a shower, so I'm half way there, lol! I hope I see you tonight!! That would be great. I think we are going to get Sushi before we head out. I love sushi - it's going to be my treat for the week. I miss you - I've been thinking about you this afternoon and listening to Antony and the Johnson's. Thats so not a good idea, lol! I need you here now to cuddle me, where are you? And what u up too? Love you xxx ooo I hope I see you tonight!

Saturday arvo

Hey baby, I've finished work now & I've come home - I'm going out tonight with the crew to that club at the coast. If ur not doing anything you should come. How's your day?

Morning coffee

Hey baby, what u doing? I'm just waiting for a coffee then it's back to the shop, I was thinking that we should go on a holiday - I can take some time off, can you? I've always wanted to go to Disney land. I know it's stupid, but I suppose it's the kid in me. We can go some where else if ya like. Disney could be fun though!!! Love u xxx ooo

Good morning

Good morning baby, I hope you slept well. I did, bamboo sheets, got to love em. Love you - hope you had sweet dreams. Xxx ooo

Friday 7 June 2013

Good night

Well I am going to bed baby, I love you xxx ooo can't wait till we are in bed sleeping together - sweet dreams xxx ooo

message 1

Hey baby,  How was your day? Mine was hard, So many people to deal with today :( I wish you were here with me - it would be so nice to have you hold me, kiss my neck.  but its getting better now I'm home & since Ive been for a run. I'm just watchin tv now, what you up to?