FML - I just dont know what else to call it

Well here I sit again, in the depths of depression, still with nothing sorted out.  There are so many things wrong now, I am not sure what to do anymore.  Everyday things get worse.  I wish I would die, I really do, I wish god would just take me and all this shit would end.  It appears that there is nothing that I can do or say - everything appears to be over now - so I don't understand why it shouldn't be for my life. 

Firstly, it appears that my business is finished.  I don't think that its going to be viable if we move, which was our plan to make it viable, we can't stay where we are and it appears now that all its going to do is put me in a lot of debt, from which, I will have to go bankrupt.  I am already in an extreme amount of debt now, however all of it is covered by the business and business was good, up until recently, when a series of unfortunate events have dried up the tourists in my town.  I have no other money, no other sources of income, so if that goes, money and lifestyle are all down the drain. Total eggs in one basket story, but its so hard not to do that when you own a shop.  So I am going to have to get a job. There are a few about so I am having to fill in applications now.

Secondly, nothing has changed in the relationship, she knows that something isn't right and she is questioning me about it, and I am answering truthfully, but she seems to be holding on to something that isn't there. And why shouldn't she, I suppose, it was her creation in the first place, not that I am saying I didn't participate in its creation, or its continuation - but she knew I was gay before I met her, and she still dived in head first - Even though I was trying to be the word of caution.  But then in saying that she isn't going to be the arsehole at the end of this, I am - I'm going to be the fag that married a straight girl, and broke her heart. 

To be fair, I certainly haven't said that its over, as I don't want to do that too her.  I know that sounds strange, but she isn't the most emotionally stable person, and my plan is to kind of gently nudge her out the door, with a job, a new boyfriend and a new life.  I am letting her know all the time that its finished in so many ways.  We had a big discussion the other day about the reality of no matter what she does, in regards to getting pretty, she will never be more attractive to me than she is now.  I couldn't disagree with her, as right now, I love her and that's what gives me the ability to have sex with her, not because of her physical attractiveness.  I should add, she is a very beautiful woman - Straight guys drool over her, and she has a body that women would kill for.

I watched some video on you tube today about straight people finding out that there partner was gay.  Most of them were devastated at first, but got over it.  But there was always deception in the beginning. As in they lied and stated that they weren't gay and then later said they were.  Not that all of them lied, but that's not the point that I am trying to make.  The point is I have never lied to her about my sexuality.  She has always known and knows that I am attracted to men and that I am not fond of having sex with women; and certainly the only woman I will ever sleep with is her and she knows that. But I am sure that in the end, the relationship ending will be tragic, no doubt of that.

My straight mate that I am so in love with, is so now with his new girlfriend, and I am happy for him, I really am, but I am sad too, cause I just want a man like him so much.  But then again thats just stupidity so I need to get it out of my head.  My man only exists here, and I need to remember that.  I also need to remember that straight mates are just that, straight mates.  Not potential boyfriends or husbands.  I wish he loved me like that - every essence of my being wishes that.  I should add that he knows this.  I told him once that I would leave everything in my life, for a chance to be with him, and that whoever gets him should know that they are one of the most lucky people in the world.  I remember once too when we were drunk, he asked if there was any way that I knew to make him gay - cause if there was he would do it, and we could be together.  More deluded fantasy!!!! 

There is this Joe Brooks song called "For You", that I am in love with at the moment.  It is so how I feel right now.  Like I am waiting for some imaginary man...(Deluded fantastical rant begin here....) That will be Jewish, who's parents will love me, he will adore me, and I will adore him and we will travel the world together, adopt babies together, live in the most amazing house, that's filled with love.  We will have all these friends, who love us and think we are just the greatest couple, and that won't be a lie, we will be! But I also know that this is just more deluded fantasy. 

My health kick is pointless.  I am still doing everything, eating right, excerising, but the loose skin is becoming really noticible now.  I enquired about getting a full body lift, a cosmetic surgical procedure, which is going to be nearly 10, 000 and the reality is I can't afford that and more to the point, it sounds really full on, and I am going to have permenant scaring and there is the possiblity of all these complications.  So I am not that keen anyway.  But none the less it appears to be an impossibility as well money wise which certainly seems like its going to be an impossibility for me to ever have an attractive body.  Now that I am getting thin, I am starting to look good in clothes, its quite another story when you see my naked body, with all the excessive skin, draped over it like the fabric on an ancient roman sculpture. Great sagging sacks on my stomach and thighs - not attractive - So I already know that there will never be any man that wants to take that on, and the only ones that do, I won't be attracted too, which makes me seem shallow - which I'm not - I have loved all sorts of guys, in all shapes in sizes, but I know that I like guys that look after themselves, they don't have to be Adonis, but it would be nice for them to have strong arms, a healthy body and want to look good and be presentable to the rest of the world.  I don't think that's shallow, well I hope its not shallow.

In all honesty I feel now that I should pack up the shop, try and pay back as much money as I can, which hopefully will be most of it.  Get the wife sorted, get her a new husband, new job, life etc.  Distance myself from everyone that way ensuring there were minimal people in my life, and then I could kill myself and no one would know.  There is a movie called, "Dreams of a Life", about a lady in London that died in her apartment and her body wasn't discovered for three years, which at that point was just a skeleton.  That would be awesome, in some ways I think, to have no one to worry about you for three years - you would know that you hadn't left anyone or anything, people just forgot about you, or thought that you just moved on to bigger and better things.  I'd like people to think that, rather than he took his life - and they ruled her death as "Unascertained" - that would be so much better the suicide on the death certificate. 

Maybe just disappearing has occurred to me too, like walking into the ocean.  That would certainly satisfy lots of ancient poetry that I have read,"My love and life is lost, so I walked into the sea", or just walking off into the desert.  I am pretty sure that would still be considered suicide, and since I do worry about the end of this life and what will happen to me - it is a concern of mine.

Well I am sure things will continue - I hope I can hold on and keep everything in balance, which I am finding so hard at the moment. 

Oh God - Please just let me die!

I wonder

Life.....it really makes you wonder, I'm pretty sure now that there is actually no point in living. I mean it seems at the end of your life, the bad things, sad things, lonely things all far out weigh the good things & happy things.

I am starting to become angry as well. I'm just so mad at everything. Mad at the world, my life, my friends. I can't seem to help it, I'm unhappy and I seem to want to make others unhappy too, which I know sounds silly, even as I write it, I feel stupid. But there is nothing I can do about it unless I recognise it. 

There is a wonderful song by a band called Portishead, called Wandering Star. Now I'm not saying that I'm a star (As in famous), but I am a star and so are you, we are all made from the dust of stars; when I hear that song, it speaks to my soul. So below is my interpretation, and how I feel.

Wandering Star - Portishead.

Please, could you stay a while to share my grief?
For it's such a lovely day
To have to always feel this way

This is how I feel everyday. The world is a lovely place (For some), but there are those that have wonderful days, and for me I am frequented by them. Good days, filled with happy people & lots of love - but I just can't feel it, cause of my "Grief" - which is unexplainable. I'm sad at my life I suppose. The situations I'm in or have been in. The love that I get, is often from the wrong people, and I often get no love from the people that I really want to love me.

And the time that I will suffer less
Is when I never have to wake

So true the day I die, I won't have to do this shit no more.

Wandering stars
For whom it is reserved
The blackness of darkness, forever
Wandering stars
For whom it is preserved
The blackness of darkness, forever




And That's it I suppose, Blackness and Darkness Forever.  This situation is never going to be alleviated. And I know that, its called making your bed and lying in it.
 
Those who have seen the needles eye now tread
Like a husk from which all that was now has fled
And the masks that the monsters wear
To feed upon their prey

This for me is about seeing the pointlessness of your life, and now all the essence for living has left your body.  The monsters, I suppose are people, some of them are meant to be monsters, others are just doing what comes naturally. They can sometimes be the nicest of people, but its only after they have "Fed" that you understand.

So that's where I am today, not really sure where to go from here.  I am understanding more and more, that the only way out of the situation I am in is death.  I don't want to kill myself, I keep begging to the gods, pleading that they will see fit to take me, naturally, and that way there will be no terribleness in my passing.  

The health kick is pointless, I am never going to look the way I want.  There is just too much excessive skin, and its always going to be there, unless I get surgery, which I am very reluctant to do. So I don't see the point in still going.  I wish I had started losing weight so much earlier, when I was a teenager, and now I could see my life been so much different.  Boys like boys that are attractive.  That's the truth, no one will convince me otherwise. And there isn't going to be any boys that like me with all the excessive skin.  I don't like the look of it, why would they?

Don't get me wrong, I know that I am young, and I am sure that many people would say, "Your just young, you don't know whats going to happen tomorrow!" - Well, I have been living with that mentality since I was 12, or possibly younger, ever since I found out there was a way to hit your exit button, I've wanted to hit mine.  I suppose now, looking back at when I really decided to get fat, it was because of that.  I wanted to die so badly, that I thought I could if I ate enough shit to kill my body systems, well you get the rest... 

But alas that was not to be. I attempted suicide a few times in my life.  The time that I got the closest was when I was about 16.  My only wish about it now, is that I wish I had succeeded.  My life would be ended (Which incidentally I would be happy about)  - and I wouldn't have fucked up so many other peoples lives in the process of me continuing to live.  Everything I touch turns to shit, I know that, so I need to learn to stop touching stuff, lol!

There is a gay couple that lives in the same town that I do.  And personally they make me sick.  The guy that is obsiviously the bottom in the relationship, sleeps around on his husband, has a permant extra lover, bleeds him for money, and to be honest I have never seen him say one nice thing about his partner, EVER!  It makes me so sad.  I watched some terrible MTV show the other day with a little gay guy having a birthday party that was rainforest themed, he treated his man like shit.  THATS NOT ON!!! Why would you do that.  If you are lucky enough to have found someone to love you like that WHY on EARTH would you fuck it up.  It just makes no sense.  

If I had a boy, and my life was different, I would treat him like a god.  I would adore him, love him do anything for him; and I hope that he would do the same for me.....but thats enough of that deluded fantasy.  

Well thats it I suppose, lets keep going on and on and on and on and on.........

My life update

Well I should start by saying that right now I'm really depressed. Everything is so screwed up. My head is definitely the worse of the screwed I think. There is nothing that I can do to make everything ok. Nothing. I can't see myself in any better situation - ever. I have deluded fantasies and I need to accept that. I live a life in which I know that which I dream about can never come to be.

I realised today as well, that the excessive skin that I have, due to me been so fat, is never going away, so really Whats of the health kick - because what's it for anyway, a deluded fantasy that's never going to come to pass. Not in this lifetime. 

And you know no matter what I do to try and quite my head and just settle & calm the fuck down; nothing works. I wish for death. I pray everyday that god will take me and relieve me if this burden of life. But that's not going to happen either. I need to just be happy with my lot, and I should be. Every aspect of my life is pretty awesome compared to this - I mean I have some issues, but nothing that can't be resolved. I just want it to end.

But solider on none the less I suppose.