Sunday, 30 June 2013

What is the point

Well here I sit the day after.  I realized quite a few things last night.  One simple one is that in so many ways I am done with life and living.  I have completed the dreams that I could and I have grieved \ am grieving  for the dreams that I will never experience.  There is just nothing left to live for. I realize that I have been walking through in this haze of "No Feelings" - where I ensure that no matter what I am doing,  I am ALWAYS busy enough that I don't actually have to feel anything. This is why I can keep up such a good front I suppose, there has been years of practice.  I contacted those feeling's yesterday, the ones that I won't let myself feel and I cried; I cried for everything I have had & lost, will never have and all the things that will never be. It seems to be this bottomless pit of sadness, this deep well that won't end.  So I am going to keep it there, I can't deal with it at the moment, and right now I don't want to, I'm too close to the edge, without having that to tip me over. 

And all of those feelings are related to the fact that the dreams and goals I have had, have failed, will always fail, and I have no choice in the matter, cause its not up too me.  Well I suppose some elements of them are, but you need to understand the reality of the situation as well, and in all three cases, I have either done all that I could, am doing all that I can.  There are certain circumstances that are out of my control, even if they were in my realms of control before, they are certainly not now. So below are my dreams, simple dreams or so you would think.

  • That I have a Husband, who is kind, loving, attractive, sexual and intelligent.  He's 30-35 is taller than me and I'm 178cm and he is a go getter.  I don't think that is an impossible list.  I think I'm those things.
  • That Steph has a great Husband as well, and she is SO happy
  • I have a Shop that's successful
  • I have a beautiful house and family
And now for the reality check:

I am in a shop that's failing, there is no other word for it.  It was\is my dream though, so I could never hate it, but in so many ways I know that it is over as it was.  I'm in a marriage that I hate, and yet I can't do anything about it, as to do so would be far worse, and I am not talking about me,  I worry about Steph a lot.  I burnt up all my time at University, did a degree that has opted me out of the chances of actual employment, which incidentally took forever to do and took all my uni money. I am now finally skinny and I think looking hot (With Clothes on) - but now I look like a Shar Pei puppy with all this excess rolls of skin. And I don't think owning a house should be an impossibility.  My sister has one, as do most of my cousins, land is just so expensive here. 

When Louise and I were dancing last night, she had all these gay boys around her.  She is such a fag magnet.  And one by one as she introduced them to me, they would smile and move away.  And I am not talking about a cute, like, come follow me smile.  It was a total smile of dismissal, horror that the thought they would even date or look at a guy like me. I know that smile, I got it a lot when I was really fat.

At the end of the night, I did have this nice dance with the hottest guy I think I have ever seen!  He asked for my number, we danced, he kissed me.....It was all very strange and wonderful all at the same time.  I have never had that happen.  It's the first time I have ever been chatted up! He messaged me when I got home and asked what happened to me, and for a photo.  So I told him I went home cause its a long drive (About 2 hours), and sent him through a photo.  And now I haven't heard anything......  So I wonder how good I look in the Drunk glasses.  Hotter than I am obsiviously. 
 I think I should also clarify that in no way does a beautiful house mean something for vogue living.  Or that when I say my Husband is attractive, he doesn't need to be a super model, I just need to love him, and be attracted to him, that's all.

So that's where I am, I know I have said it before, but I know that boys don't like me (At least the ones I like, except that guy last night, which I am still tripping out about, but we can chalk that up to him been drunk) - and that's that. I'm out of options.

I don't want to commit suicide, cause I am worried about the consequences.  I know that sounds strange, but I do worry about it- then I think to myself, the reason that I worry about it is because of my Catholic upbringing.  People who commit suicide go to hell, its that simple to the Catholic's.  I remember a couple of funerals when I was young, that were not allowed to be in the church cause they had killed themselves.  It was so shameful to the family that was left too, to have their child banished from the church.  But then when I really consider it, the Catholics think I am going to Hell anyway -  For having sex with men.  I am not sure if you get send there if you are just attracted to men, I am pretty sure you have to do something. 

So its brought me to interesting place.  The god that I believe in, created gay people as well, and they are certainly not to be punished for love.  I think there are elements of the gay lifestyle that are "bad" - but two men in a loving and committed relationship, is as far as I am concerned accepted and even blessed by God. But If the reason that I don't want to commit suicide is cause I will go to hell, is this based on this old structure as well.  It has to be. So it leaves me in an interesting place.  Maybe it's all just irrelevant.  All of it.  Stephen Delany's words keep haunted me too. " If you are over 35 and you aren't drop-dead gorgeous, don't have a fantastic body, oversized genitals or enough money so that nothing else matters, you are alone. You may have many friends but you will go home alone...You will end up alone, middle-aged and frustrated, always wondering if people really like you or if they just tolerate you."  I know Stephen, I know.

No comments:

Post a Comment