What is the point

Well here I sit the day after.  I realized quite a few things last night.  One simple one is that in so many ways I am done with life and living.  I have completed the dreams that I could and I have grieved \ am grieving  for the dreams that I will never experience.  There is just nothing left to live for. I realize that I have been walking through in this haze of "No Feelings" - where I ensure that no matter what I am doing,  I am ALWAYS busy enough that I don't actually have to feel anything. This is why I can keep up such a good front I suppose, there has been years of practice.  I contacted those feeling's yesterday, the ones that I won't let myself feel and I cried; I cried for everything I have had & lost, will never have and all the things that will never be. It seems to be this bottomless pit of sadness, this deep well that won't end.  So I am going to keep it there, I can't deal with it at the moment, and right now I don't want to, I'm too close to the edge, without having that to tip me over. 

And all of those feelings are related to the fact that the dreams and goals I have had, have failed, will always fail, and I have no choice in the matter, cause its not up too me.  Well I suppose some elements of them are, but you need to understand the reality of the situation as well, and in all three cases, I have either done all that I could, am doing all that I can.  There are certain circumstances that are out of my control, even if they were in my realms of control before, they are certainly not now. So below are my dreams, simple dreams or so you would think.

• That I have a Husband, who is kind, loving, attractive, sexual and intelligent.  He's 30-35 is taller than me and I'm 178cm and he is a go getter.  I don't think that is an impossible list.  I think I'm those things.
• That Steph has a great Husband as well, and she is SO happy
• I have a Shop that's successful
• I have a beautiful house and family

And now for the reality check:

I am in a shop that's failing, there is no other word for it.  It was\is my dream though, so I could never hate it, but in so many ways I know that it is over as it was.  I'm in a marriage that I hate, and yet I can't do anything about it, as to do so would be far worse, and I am not talking about me,  I worry about Steph a lot.  I burnt up all my time at University, did a degree that has opted me out of the chances of actual employment, which incidentally took forever to do and took all my uni money. I am now finally skinny and I think looking hot (With Clothes on) - but now I look like a Shar Pei puppy with all this excess rolls of skin. And I don't think owning a house should be an impossibility.  My sister has one, as do most of my cousins, land is just so expensive here. 

When Louise and I were dancing last night, she had all these gay boys around her.  She is such a fag magnet.  And one by one as she introduced them to me, they would smile and move away.  And I am not talking about a cute, like, come follow me smile.  It was a total smile of dismissal, horror that the thought they would even date or look at a guy like me. I know that smile, I got it a lot when I was really fat.

At the end of the night, I did have this nice dance with the hottest guy I think I have ever seen!  He asked for my number, we danced, he kissed me.....It was all very strange and wonderful all at the same time.  I have never had that happen.  It's the first time I have ever been chatted up! He messaged me when I got home and asked what happened to me, and for a photo.  So I told him I went home cause its a long drive (About 2 hours), and sent him through a photo.  And now I haven't heard anything......  So I wonder how good I look in the Drunk glasses.  Hotter than I am obsiviously. 
 I think I should also clarify that in no way does a beautiful house mean something for vogue living.  Or that when I say my Husband is attractive, he doesn't need to be a super model, I just need to love him, and be attracted to him, that's all.

So that's where I am, I know I have said it before, but I know that boys don't like me (At least the ones I like, except that guy last night, which I am still tripping out about, but we can chalk that up to him been drunk) - and that's that. I'm out of options.

I don't want to commit suicide, cause I am worried about the consequences.  I know that sounds strange, but I do worry about it- then I think to myself, the reason that I worry about it is because of my Catholic upbringing.  People who commit suicide go to hell, its that simple to the Catholic's.  I remember a couple of funerals when I was young, that were not allowed to be in the church cause they had killed themselves.  It was so shameful to the family that was left too, to have their child banished from the church.  But then when I really consider it, the Catholics think I am going to Hell anyway -  For having sex with men.  I am not sure if you get send there if you are just attracted to men, I am pretty sure you have to do something. 

So its brought me to interesting place.  The god that I believe in, created gay people as well, and they are certainly not to be punished for love.  I think there are elements of the gay lifestyle that are "bad" - but two men in a loving and committed relationship, is as far as I am concerned accepted and even blessed by God. But If the reason that I don't want to commit suicide is cause I will go to hell, is this based on this old structure as well.  It has to be. So it leaves me in an interesting place.  Maybe it's all just irrelevant.  All of it.  Stephen Delany's words keep haunted me too. " If you are over 35 and you aren't drop-dead gorgeous, don't have a fantastic body, oversized genitals or enough money so that nothing else matters, you are alone. You may have many friends but you will go home alone...You will end up alone, middle-aged and frustrated, always wondering if people really like you or if they just tolerate you."  I know Stephen, I know.

Hey

Well what do you do if nothing makes you happy anymore. Nothing, everything seems just that - pointless. I have no hope - I know that I'm not going to be happy, I just can't do it - I'm never going to get what I want. They say that "Contentment is the most noble cause on earth" - and there is no way I have ever been content and there is certainly no chance of it now. There is no hope. I should die and release the people I have trapped and ensnared in my life.

FML - I just dont know what else to call it

Well here I sit again, in the depths of depression, still with nothing sorted out.  There are so many things wrong now, I am not sure what to do anymore.  Everyday things get worse.  I wish I would die, I really do, I wish god would just take me and all this shit would end.  It appears that there is nothing that I can do or say - everything appears to be over now - so I don't understand why it shouldn't be for my life. 

Firstly, it appears that my business is finished.  I don't think that its going to be viable if we move, which was our plan to make it viable, we can't stay where we are and it appears now that all its going to do is put me in a lot of debt, from which, I will have to go bankrupt.  I am already in an extreme amount of debt now, however all of it is covered by the business and business was good, up until recently, when a series of unfortunate events have dried up the tourists in my town.  I have no other money, no other sources of income, so if that goes, money and lifestyle are all down the drain. Total eggs in one basket story, but its so hard not to do that when you own a shop.  So I am going to have to get a job. There are a few about so I am having to fill in applications now.

Secondly, nothing has changed in the relationship, she knows that something isn't right and she is questioning me about it, and I am answering truthfully, but she seems to be holding on to something that isn't there. And why shouldn't she, I suppose, it was her creation in the first place, not that I am saying I didn't participate in its creation, or its continuation - but she knew I was gay before I met her, and she still dived in head first - Even though I was trying to be the word of caution.  But then in saying that she isn't going to be the arsehole at the end of this, I am - I'm going to be the fag that married a straight girl, and broke her heart. 

To be fair, I certainly haven't said that its over, as I don't want to do that too her.  I know that sounds strange, but she isn't the most emotionally stable person, and my plan is to kind of gently nudge her out the door, with a job, a new boyfriend and a new life.  I am letting her know all the time that its finished in so many ways.  We had a big discussion the other day about the reality of no matter what she does, in regards to getting pretty, she will never be more attractive to me than she is now.  I couldn't disagree with her, as right now, I love her and that's what gives me the ability to have sex with her, not because of her physical attractiveness.  I should add, she is a very beautiful woman - Straight guys drool over her, and she has a body that women would kill for.

I watched some video on you tube today about straight people finding out that there partner was gay.  Most of them were devastated at first, but got over it.  But there was always deception in the beginning. As in they lied and stated that they weren't gay and then later said they were.  Not that all of them lied, but that's not the point that I am trying to make.  The point is I have never lied to her about my sexuality.  She has always known and knows that I am attracted to men and that I am not fond of having sex with women; and certainly the only woman I will ever sleep with is her and she knows that. But I am sure that in the end, the relationship ending will be tragic, no doubt of that.

My straight mate that I am so in love with, is so now with his new girlfriend, and I am happy for him, I really am, but I am sad too, cause I just want a man like him so much.  But then again thats just stupidity so I need to get it out of my head.  My man only exists here, and I need to remember that.  I also need to remember that straight mates are just that, straight mates.  Not potential boyfriends or husbands.  I wish he loved me like that - every essence of my being wishes that.  I should add that he knows this.  I told him once that I would leave everything in my life, for a chance to be with him, and that whoever gets him should know that they are one of the most lucky people in the world.  I remember once too when we were drunk, he asked if there was any way that I knew to make him gay - cause if there was he would do it, and we could be together.  More deluded fantasy!!!! 

There is this Joe Brooks song called "For You", that I am in love with at the moment.  It is so how I feel right now.  Like I am waiting for some imaginary man...(Deluded fantastical rant begin here....) That will be Jewish, who's parents will love me, he will adore me, and I will adore him and we will travel the world together, adopt babies together, live in the most amazing house, that's filled with love.  We will have all these friends, who love us and think we are just the greatest couple, and that won't be a lie, we will be! But I also know that this is just more deluded fantasy. 

My health kick is pointless.  I am still doing everything, eating right, excerising, but the loose skin is becoming really noticible now.  I enquired about getting a full body lift, a cosmetic surgical procedure, which is going to be nearly 10, 000 and the reality is I can't afford that and more to the point, it sounds really full on, and I am going to have permenant scaring and there is the possiblity of all these complications.  So I am not that keen anyway.  But none the less it appears to be an impossibility as well money wise which certainly seems like its going to be an impossibility for me to ever have an attractive body.  Now that I am getting thin, I am starting to look good in clothes, its quite another story when you see my naked body, with all the excessive skin, draped over it like the fabric on an ancient roman sculpture. Great sagging sacks on my stomach and thighs - not attractive - So I already know that there will never be any man that wants to take that on, and the only ones that do, I won't be attracted too, which makes me seem shallow - which I'm not - I have loved all sorts of guys, in all shapes in sizes, but I know that I like guys that look after themselves, they don't have to be Adonis, but it would be nice for them to have strong arms, a healthy body and want to look good and be presentable to the rest of the world.  I don't think that's shallow, well I hope its not shallow.

In all honesty I feel now that I should pack up the shop, try and pay back as much money as I can, which hopefully will be most of it.  Get the wife sorted, get her a new husband, new job, life etc.  Distance myself from everyone that way ensuring there were minimal people in my life, and then I could kill myself and no one would know.  There is a movie called, "Dreams of a Life", about a lady in London that died in her apartment and her body wasn't discovered for three years, which at that point was just a skeleton.  That would be awesome, in some ways I think, to have no one to worry about you for three years - you would know that you hadn't left anyone or anything, people just forgot about you, or thought that you just moved on to bigger and better things.  I'd like people to think that, rather than he took his life - and they ruled her death as "Unascertained" - that would be so much better the suicide on the death certificate. 

Maybe just disappearing has occurred to me too, like walking into the ocean.  That would certainly satisfy lots of ancient poetry that I have read,"My love and life is lost, so I walked into the sea", or just walking off into the desert.  I am pretty sure that would still be considered suicide, and since I do worry about the end of this life and what will happen to me - it is a concern of mine.

Well I am sure things will continue - I hope I can hold on and keep everything in balance, which I am finding so hard at the moment. 

Oh God - Please just let me die!

Good morning

Good morning my angel. How are you? It's my day off today, but it's so cold that I haven't left the bedroom yet. I wish I could go and hang out with you for the day or maybe we could just stay in bed most of the day, keeping each other warm. Love u xxx ooo

Good night

Good night my baby boy. I love you. I wish you were holding me right now. And I was safe and warm in your arms. I love you & miss you. Please come to me soon. I love you xxx ooo

Hey

Hey baby, how r u? I love you & miss you terribly tonight. I don't know why but I rented a movie on iTunes about Disney & I'm watching it now. I so hope one day we will go there & you will hold my hand as we walk around. I miss u xxx ooo

Hey baby

Hey baby, how's your day? Mines good. I think I'm going to get a tattoo. So I'm going to start thinking about all the things I want in it. I think I'm going to get my back done. Love u xxx ooo

Good night

Good night baby, I hardly spoke to you at all today, I love u. Good night xxx ooo

Good morning

Good morning my angel, how r u? I'm good, I went to sleep so early last night. Did a work out, had breakfast and am now about to get ready for work. I love you, hope your having a great day! Love u xxx ooo

Hello baby

Hello my baby, how r u? I'm off to the cafe soon, but I thought I would just message you and say how much I love you! Hope you have a great arvo, love u xxx ooo

Good morning

Hello my angel, how are you today? I'm good. I had a head ache all last night n I still had one this morning, it's gone now, thankfully - I think it was just because it was too cold. I'm just not good in the cold. I'm going to go to the markets this morning I think, I mean why not? Then I think I will go have lunch at a cafe with some friends, (Even though I already know that I'm tots going to blow my calorie allowance :( oh well, we can't be good all the time. Love you, hope you have a great day! Xxx ooo

Good night

Good night baby. I got all dressed up to go out & then I thought, what's the point!?! So I then got into my pjs and am now going to bed. I hope you have an awesome night where ever you are. Love u. Xxx ooo

Good morning angel

Good morning my archangel, how did you sleep? I'm still on my mission to look beautiful for you, I've got new clothes coming, I spent way too much on a pair of Louis Vuitton boots. But they look so hot! I miss you. I sometimes get to thinking now that your never going to come. And I suppose I have to make peace with that, however hard it is. But then who knows you might be just around the corner. I'm going to start getting ready for work now, I hope you have a great day! I love you xxx ooo

Good night

Good night my baby! I love you so much. I'm becoming sure that a life with you is never going to happen - xxx ooo good night

Good morning

Hello my baby, how was your sleep. I went to sleep on the couch watching tv last night. I had the nicest dreams about you. I love you, I'm going to have a coffee now, n get ready for the day. I love you xxx ooo

Good morning

Hello baby! How are you? I'm off to go shopping today I think....why not? Love you xxx ooo

Hey baby

Hello my beautiful man! How are you? I'm just thinking about you & a holiday with you some where beautiful. (Still voting for Disney land! :D Then maybe after that a trip round the Caribbean) love you, hope your having a nice night xxxx oooo

Finish lunch

Hey baby! How's your day? I've just finished lunch. Dancing was cool, but the power went out, so we just danced to drums, the sound of us singing & what ever other noises people could make, lol! It was kinda dumb :D I love you though xxx ooo

Good morning

Hey baby, how are you? I'm good, running late, it's my day off today, but I'm going dancing with friends of my today at this dance class thing - which is basically just some trance music playing and all these people coming to dance. I'm hoping it will cheer me up. Love you, hope you are having a great day, wherever you are xxx ooo

Hey. Baby arvo

Hey baby, how was your day? I'm just at home now chilling, after a full on day at work - started doing squats today, I want to do 150 a day. Irrelevant of the gym, that should tighten my core, lol! Sorry ill shut up now. I got a nice Versace tshit today too - it's awesome. I love you, I hope ur having fun! Xxxx oooo