Chicken shit

Well as you can see I have chicken shitted my way out of the time frame I had. I am planning it though - takes a lot a planning. Love u xxx ooo hopefully my dreams will come true next life 

36 hours

Well 36 hours left.... And its all over. Strange way to spend your last hours - at a sex club xxx ooo

Omfg what am I doin

Well I decided since this weeks end is it - well monday actually. I would come out, so here I am in Brisbane.  It's simply reiterated what I already know...to many pretty boys, no one is interested. Im just not ever going to be attractive, no matter how in shape I am. I even got rejected at the sex club - so there you go!!! I thought i wasn't that ugly - but it's clear now that my beautiful friends, whom I love dearly, have lied toe again. I wish I hadn't believed them.  I'm thinking hanging now. In fact I'm pretty certain of it. I just hope that I'm not too chicken shit to go through with it. I need to die, I understand that now. I die and everything is reset. Stephs life, my life - everyone's life. I don't deserve to live  - I simply don't - the sooner I realise that the better off ill be. I just wish now that I would have been successful in trying to kill myself the first time, when I was 15 - if I would have succeeded then, none of this shit would have come to pass. None of it. I need to be brave enough - make sure that I do what I have set out to do. I feel so lucky and so annoyed that all these great ppl have come into my life - I hope that none of them are hurt. But I am sure they will be. Stupid of me. I should have never got others involved in my sad little existence - and then hopefully everything would be alright. I have thought about chasing everyone away. But there is no point, it will take too long. I need to write letters. Steph is going to work tomorrow night, so I will write letters then & she is working again the next night and that's the night that it's going to happen. I'm nervous but excited too. It's all over. What a joyous thought. Sheer happiness. Love you, I hope we are together in the next life. I wish I could have been with you for this one. Love You xxx ooo

Life

So I have decided that I'm going to end it. I'm just in the planning process now, trying to work out exactly how. I don't think I want to be here after the weekend, so it only leaves a couple of days. I have to write letters today or tomorrow - I need to write a few. I think I'm going to do it in a national park that's not too far from where I live. It's closed at the moment so there won't be anyone around. I was going to overdose, but it's just not that easy to get a hold of something that will do it - guaranteed. Rope seems like the only option, Quick, Cheap & effective. I just need to hit the reset button. I don't have a choice anymore. I wish I had some one to hold me, but I know that's an impossibility now. I've screwed everything up, and now the only choice is to free the people that I have trapped into this existence with me. They deserve to move on, without having me tag along for the ride. Who wants tagger on's?!?!? I should have made different choices - I know that now, but what is it that they say, hind sight is 20/20. Pity it's not fore sight. Lol. Well my baby boy, I will write to you right up till it's done. It's been nice to have you, even though I know you are just imaginary, it's been nice to think that someone cares that I can talk to. I love you xxx ooo

Good morning

Hey baby, I'm awake and cold. I really don't like the winter. I brought myself a jumper on eBay a week or so ago - it arrived yesterday & it's way too big. But I'm wearing it anyway. I even wore it too bed last night, and imagined I was wearing your jumper. How sad is that, love you xxx ooo

So sick of been sad

Well here I sit, crying - over it all. I have fucked things up so much in my life and I keep doing it. I need to get over myself, get the rope and stop been so chicken shit. 

Friday Night

Well it's Friday night, I got all dressed up but no one wanted to go out. Everyone's got girlfriends or other things to do - so I'm in my pjs now - going to go to sleep, be nice if I didn't wake up. That would solve so many things. Love you xxx ooo

Morning

Good morning baby, how are you? You must just think I'm the most depressed person ever. Things aren't any better though, love you xxx ooo

Good morning

Hey baby, how are you? I am awake and working out the plan. I love you - but I know that your just an illusion & will never come to be. It would have been nice, I think I would have made a good man a husband - but I've fucked everything now. There are no options left. Love you, wish I was with you. Maybe everything would seem a bit brighter then. Xxx ooo

Good night

Good night my angel. I'm not sure if we will ever be together, but I suppose we will have this. I need to learn to be happy & satisfied with that. Or I need to learn how to die. I love you. Xxx ooo

Hey

Hey babe, just thinking about you n thought I would send you a Message. Love you xxx ooo