Thursday, 13 June 2013

I wonder really makes you wonder, I'm pretty sure now that there is actually no point in living. I mean it seems at the end of your life, the bad things, sad things, lonely things all far out weigh the good things & happy things.

I am starting to become angry as well. I'm just so mad at everything. Mad at the world, my life, my friends. I can't seem to help it, I'm unhappy and I seem to want to make others unhappy too, which I know sounds silly, even as I write it, I feel stupid. But there is nothing I can do about it unless I recognise it. 

There is a wonderful song by a band called Portishead, called Wandering Star. Now I'm not saying that I'm a star (As in famous), but I am a star and so are you, we are all made from the dust of stars; when I hear that song, it speaks to my soul. So below is my interpretation, and how I feel.

Wandering Star - Portishead.

Please, could you stay a while to share my grief?
For it's such a lovely day
To have to always feel this way

This is how I feel everyday. The world is a lovely place (For some), but there are those that have wonderful days, and for me I am frequented by them. Good days, filled with happy people & lots of love - but I just can't feel it, cause of my "Grief" - which is unexplainable. I'm sad at my life I suppose. The situations I'm in or have been in. The love that I get, is often from the wrong people, and I often get no love from the people that I really want to love me.

And the time that I will suffer less
Is when I never have to wake

So true the day I die, I won't have to do this shit no more.

Wandering stars
For whom it is reserved
The blackness of darkness, forever
Wandering stars
For whom it is preserved
The blackness of darkness, forever

And That's it I suppose, Blackness and Darkness Forever.  This situation is never going to be alleviated. And I know that, its called making your bed and lying in it.

Those who have seen the needles eye now tread
Like a husk from which all that was now has fled
And the masks that the monsters wear
To feed upon their prey

This for me is about seeing the pointlessness of your life, and now all the essence for living has left your body.  The monsters, I suppose are people, some of them are meant to be monsters, others are just doing what comes naturally. They can sometimes be the nicest of people, but its only after they have "Fed" that you understand.

So that's where I am today, not really sure where to go from here.  I am understanding more and more, that the only way out of the situation I am in is death.  I don't want to kill myself, I keep begging to the gods, pleading that they will see fit to take me, naturally, and that way there will be no terribleness in my passing.  

The health kick is pointless, I am never going to look the way I want.  There is just too much excessive skin, and its always going to be there, unless I get surgery, which I am very reluctant to do. So I don't see the point in still going.  I wish I had started losing weight so much earlier, when I was a teenager, and now I could see my life been so much different.  Boys like boys that are attractive.  That's the truth, no one will convince me otherwise. And there isn't going to be any boys that like me with all the excessive skin.  I don't like the look of it, why would they?

Don't get me wrong, I know that I am young, and I am sure that many people would say, "Your just young, you don't know whats going to happen tomorrow!" - Well, I have been living with that mentality since I was 12, or possibly younger, ever since I found out there was a way to hit your exit button, I've wanted to hit mine.  I suppose now, looking back at when I really decided to get fat, it was because of that.  I wanted to die so badly, that I thought I could if I ate enough shit to kill my body systems, well you get the rest... 

But alas that was not to be. I attempted suicide a few times in my life.  The time that I got the closest was when I was about 16.  My only wish about it now, is that I wish I had succeeded.  My life would be ended (Which incidentally I would be happy about)  - and I wouldn't have fucked up so many other peoples lives in the process of me continuing to live.  Everything I touch turns to shit, I know that, so I need to learn to stop touching stuff, lol!

There is a gay couple that lives in the same town that I do.  And personally they make me sick.  The guy that is obsiviously the bottom in the relationship, sleeps around on his husband, has a permant extra lover, bleeds him for money, and to be honest I have never seen him say one nice thing about his partner, EVER!  It makes me so sad.  I watched some terrible MTV show the other day with a little gay guy having a birthday party that was rainforest themed, he treated his man like shit.  THATS NOT ON!!! Why would you do that.  If you are lucky enough to have found someone to love you like that WHY on EARTH would you fuck it up.  It just makes no sense.  

If I had a boy, and my life was different, I would treat him like a god.  I would adore him, love him do anything for him; and I hope that he would do the same for me.....but thats enough of that deluded fantasy.  

Well thats it I suppose, lets keep going on and on and on and on and on.........

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