What is the point

Well here I sit the day after.  I realized quite a few things last night.  One simple one is that in so many ways I am done with life and living.  I have completed the dreams that I could and I have grieved \ am grieving  for the dreams that I will never experience.  There is just nothing left to live for. I realize that I have been walking through in this haze of "No Feelings" - where I ensure that no matter what I am doing,  I am ALWAYS busy enough that I don't actually have to feel anything. This is why I can keep up such a good front I suppose, there has been years of practice.  I contacted those feeling's yesterday, the ones that I won't let myself feel and I cried; I cried for everything I have had & lost, will never have and all the things that will never be. It seems to be this bottomless pit of sadness, this deep well that won't end.  So I am going to keep it there, I can't deal with it at the moment, and right now I don't want to, I'm too close to the edge, without having that to tip me over. 

And all of those feelings are related to the fact that the dreams and goals I have had, have failed, will always fail, and I have no choice in the matter, cause its not up too me.  Well I suppose some elements of them are, but you need to understand the reality of the situation as well, and in all three cases, I have either done all that I could, am doing all that I can.  There are certain circumstances that are out of my control, even if they were in my realms of control before, they are certainly not now. So below are my dreams, simple dreams or so you would think.

• That I have a Husband, who is kind, loving, attractive, sexual and intelligent.  He's 30-35 is taller than me and I'm 178cm and he is a go getter.  I don't think that is an impossible list.  I think I'm those things.
• That Steph has a great Husband as well, and she is SO happy
• I have a Shop that's successful
• I have a beautiful house and family

And now for the reality check:

I am in a shop that's failing, there is no other word for it.  It was\is my dream though, so I could never hate it, but in so many ways I know that it is over as it was.  I'm in a marriage that I hate, and yet I can't do anything about it, as to do so would be far worse, and I am not talking about me,  I worry about Steph a lot.  I burnt up all my time at University, did a degree that has opted me out of the chances of actual employment, which incidentally took forever to do and took all my uni money. I am now finally skinny and I think looking hot (With Clothes on) - but now I look like a Shar Pei puppy with all this excess rolls of skin. And I don't think owning a house should be an impossibility.  My sister has one, as do most of my cousins, land is just so expensive here. 

When Louise and I were dancing last night, she had all these gay boys around her.  She is such a fag magnet.  And one by one as she introduced them to me, they would smile and move away.  And I am not talking about a cute, like, come follow me smile.  It was a total smile of dismissal, horror that the thought they would even date or look at a guy like me. I know that smile, I got it a lot when I was really fat.

At the end of the night, I did have this nice dance with the hottest guy I think I have ever seen!  He asked for my number, we danced, he kissed me.....It was all very strange and wonderful all at the same time.  I have never had that happen.  It's the first time I have ever been chatted up! He messaged me when I got home and asked what happened to me, and for a photo.  So I told him I went home cause its a long drive (About 2 hours), and sent him through a photo.  And now I haven't heard anything......  So I wonder how good I look in the Drunk glasses.  Hotter than I am obsiviously. 
 I think I should also clarify that in no way does a beautiful house mean something for vogue living.  Or that when I say my Husband is attractive, he doesn't need to be a super model, I just need to love him, and be attracted to him, that's all.

So that's where I am, I know I have said it before, but I know that boys don't like me (At least the ones I like, except that guy last night, which I am still tripping out about, but we can chalk that up to him been drunk) - and that's that. I'm out of options.

I don't want to commit suicide, cause I am worried about the consequences.  I know that sounds strange, but I do worry about it- then I think to myself, the reason that I worry about it is because of my Catholic upbringing.  People who commit suicide go to hell, its that simple to the Catholic's.  I remember a couple of funerals when I was young, that were not allowed to be in the church cause they had killed themselves.  It was so shameful to the family that was left too, to have their child banished from the church.  But then when I really consider it, the Catholics think I am going to Hell anyway -  For having sex with men.  I am not sure if you get send there if you are just attracted to men, I am pretty sure you have to do something. 

So its brought me to interesting place.  The god that I believe in, created gay people as well, and they are certainly not to be punished for love.  I think there are elements of the gay lifestyle that are "bad" - but two men in a loving and committed relationship, is as far as I am concerned accepted and even blessed by God. But If the reason that I don't want to commit suicide is cause I will go to hell, is this based on this old structure as well.  It has to be. So it leaves me in an interesting place.  Maybe it's all just irrelevant.  All of it.  Stephen Delany's words keep haunted me too. " If you are over 35 and you aren't drop-dead gorgeous, don't have a fantastic body, oversized genitals or enough money so that nothing else matters, you are alone. You may have many friends but you will go home alone...You will end up alone, middle-aged and frustrated, always wondering if people really like you or if they just tolerate you."  I know Stephen, I know.

Life....the straight pill and the realization that its all over

Well here I sit again, on a Saturday afternoon, just so over living and life; I have made a realization today - that the friends that I have are not really friends.  None of them actually care about me. I read an interesting article the other day at about if you would take the straight pill, you can read about it here http://kindagayblog.com/would-you-take-a-straight-pill/ - And for the record, I would 100% take the straight pill, life would just be a lot fucking easier  but it was a comment towards the end, from a guy called Stephen Delaney, that broke my heart:

"Steve Delaney · Northwestern University.
Yes, I would take the pill. I'm in my fifties, and I would give anything to live my life again while I was heterosexual. Being gay sounds like an endless party, and it can be as long as you are young and good looking. If you are over 35 and you aren't drop-dead gorgeous, don't have a fantastic body, oversized genitals or enough money so that nothing else matters, you are alone. You may have many friends but you will go home alone, because all the men your age are looking for twentysomethings for the night. You will end up alone, middle-aged and frustrated, always wondering if people really like you or if they just tolerate you. Its different if you are gay and in your twenties now, because the world is more open to you than ever before, but I wonder what it will be like when you are middle-aged. I hope it is better than it is for me."

Just for the record Steve, things ain't!  The facts of the matter - that you stated so eloquently are exactly correct.  It sucks.  But it seems that its the way things are.

I think, no I know, that my friends tolerate me, and try to accommodate me when it suits them. But I'm done with them all. So over it, time for a new life, new friends or time for no life at all.

What I thought

A couple of days ago, I stopped posting here for a little while, cause I was worried that doing this, and talking to this gay boyfriend, who doesn't exist, might be actually the thing that was making me depressed.  But I realize now that its not that at all, every time I write a little loving message here to him, who ever him is, I get this little burst of happiness.  In some way the fantasy lives, If only for a moment, and my heart soars.

I'm so unsure of anything anymore.  I just want to die, everything would be so much fucking easier if I just died!

Hey

Well what do you do if nothing makes you happy anymore. Nothing, everything seems just that - pointless. I have no hope - I know that I'm not going to be happy, I just can't do it - I'm never going to get what I want. They say that "Contentment is the most noble cause on earth" - and there is no way I have ever been content and there is certainly no chance of it now. There is no hope. I should die and release the people I have trapped and ensnared in my life.

FML - I just dont know what else to call it

Well here I sit again, in the depths of depression, still with nothing sorted out.  There are so many things wrong now, I am not sure what to do anymore.  Everyday things get worse.  I wish I would die, I really do, I wish god would just take me and all this shit would end.  It appears that there is nothing that I can do or say - everything appears to be over now - so I don't understand why it shouldn't be for my life. 

Firstly, it appears that my business is finished.  I don't think that its going to be viable if we move, which was our plan to make it viable, we can't stay where we are and it appears now that all its going to do is put me in a lot of debt, from which, I will have to go bankrupt.  I am already in an extreme amount of debt now, however all of it is covered by the business and business was good, up until recently, when a series of unfortunate events have dried up the tourists in my town.  I have no other money, no other sources of income, so if that goes, money and lifestyle are all down the drain. Total eggs in one basket story, but its so hard not to do that when you own a shop.  So I am going to have to get a job. There are a few about so I am having to fill in applications now.

Secondly, nothing has changed in the relationship, she knows that something isn't right and she is questioning me about it, and I am answering truthfully, but she seems to be holding on to something that isn't there. And why shouldn't she, I suppose, it was her creation in the first place, not that I am saying I didn't participate in its creation, or its continuation - but she knew I was gay before I met her, and she still dived in head first - Even though I was trying to be the word of caution.  But then in saying that she isn't going to be the arsehole at the end of this, I am - I'm going to be the fag that married a straight girl, and broke her heart. 

To be fair, I certainly haven't said that its over, as I don't want to do that too her.  I know that sounds strange, but she isn't the most emotionally stable person, and my plan is to kind of gently nudge her out the door, with a job, a new boyfriend and a new life.  I am letting her know all the time that its finished in so many ways.  We had a big discussion the other day about the reality of no matter what she does, in regards to getting pretty, she will never be more attractive to me than she is now.  I couldn't disagree with her, as right now, I love her and that's what gives me the ability to have sex with her, not because of her physical attractiveness.  I should add, she is a very beautiful woman - Straight guys drool over her, and she has a body that women would kill for.

I watched some video on you tube today about straight people finding out that there partner was gay.  Most of them were devastated at first, but got over it.  But there was always deception in the beginning. As in they lied and stated that they weren't gay and then later said they were.  Not that all of them lied, but that's not the point that I am trying to make.  The point is I have never lied to her about my sexuality.  She has always known and knows that I am attracted to men and that I am not fond of having sex with women; and certainly the only woman I will ever sleep with is her and she knows that. But I am sure that in the end, the relationship ending will be tragic, no doubt of that.

My straight mate that I am so in love with, is so now with his new girlfriend, and I am happy for him, I really am, but I am sad too, cause I just want a man like him so much.  But then again thats just stupidity so I need to get it out of my head.  My man only exists here, and I need to remember that.  I also need to remember that straight mates are just that, straight mates.  Not potential boyfriends or husbands.  I wish he loved me like that - every essence of my being wishes that.  I should add that he knows this.  I told him once that I would leave everything in my life, for a chance to be with him, and that whoever gets him should know that they are one of the most lucky people in the world.  I remember once too when we were drunk, he asked if there was any way that I knew to make him gay - cause if there was he would do it, and we could be together.  More deluded fantasy!!!! 

There is this Joe Brooks song called "For You", that I am in love with at the moment.  It is so how I feel right now.  Like I am waiting for some imaginary man...(Deluded fantastical rant begin here....) That will be Jewish, who's parents will love me, he will adore me, and I will adore him and we will travel the world together, adopt babies together, live in the most amazing house, that's filled with love.  We will have all these friends, who love us and think we are just the greatest couple, and that won't be a lie, we will be! But I also know that this is just more deluded fantasy. 

My health kick is pointless.  I am still doing everything, eating right, excerising, but the loose skin is becoming really noticible now.  I enquired about getting a full body lift, a cosmetic surgical procedure, which is going to be nearly 10, 000 and the reality is I can't afford that and more to the point, it sounds really full on, and I am going to have permenant scaring and there is the possiblity of all these complications.  So I am not that keen anyway.  But none the less it appears to be an impossibility as well money wise which certainly seems like its going to be an impossibility for me to ever have an attractive body.  Now that I am getting thin, I am starting to look good in clothes, its quite another story when you see my naked body, with all the excessive skin, draped over it like the fabric on an ancient roman sculpture. Great sagging sacks on my stomach and thighs - not attractive - So I already know that there will never be any man that wants to take that on, and the only ones that do, I won't be attracted too, which makes me seem shallow - which I'm not - I have loved all sorts of guys, in all shapes in sizes, but I know that I like guys that look after themselves, they don't have to be Adonis, but it would be nice for them to have strong arms, a healthy body and want to look good and be presentable to the rest of the world.  I don't think that's shallow, well I hope its not shallow.

In all honesty I feel now that I should pack up the shop, try and pay back as much money as I can, which hopefully will be most of it.  Get the wife sorted, get her a new husband, new job, life etc.  Distance myself from everyone that way ensuring there were minimal people in my life, and then I could kill myself and no one would know.  There is a movie called, "Dreams of a Life", about a lady in London that died in her apartment and her body wasn't discovered for three years, which at that point was just a skeleton.  That would be awesome, in some ways I think, to have no one to worry about you for three years - you would know that you hadn't left anyone or anything, people just forgot about you, or thought that you just moved on to bigger and better things.  I'd like people to think that, rather than he took his life - and they ruled her death as "Unascertained" - that would be so much better the suicide on the death certificate. 

Maybe just disappearing has occurred to me too, like walking into the ocean.  That would certainly satisfy lots of ancient poetry that I have read,"My love and life is lost, so I walked into the sea", or just walking off into the desert.  I am pretty sure that would still be considered suicide, and since I do worry about the end of this life and what will happen to me - it is a concern of mine.

Well I am sure things will continue - I hope I can hold on and keep everything in balance, which I am finding so hard at the moment. 

Oh God - Please just let me die!

I wonder

Life.....it really makes you wonder, I'm pretty sure now that there is actually no point in living. I mean it seems at the end of your life, the bad things, sad things, lonely things all far out weigh the good things & happy things.

I am starting to become angry as well. I'm just so mad at everything. Mad at the world, my life, my friends. I can't seem to help it, I'm unhappy and I seem to want to make others unhappy too, which I know sounds silly, even as I write it, I feel stupid. But there is nothing I can do about it unless I recognise it. 

There is a wonderful song by a band called Portishead, called Wandering Star. Now I'm not saying that I'm a star (As in famous), but I am a star and so are you, we are all made from the dust of stars; when I hear that song, it speaks to my soul. So below is my interpretation, and how I feel.

Wandering Star - Portishead.

Please, could you stay a while to share my grief?
For it's such a lovely day
To have to always feel this way

This is how I feel everyday. The world is a lovely place (For some), but there are those that have wonderful days, and for me I am frequented by them. Good days, filled with happy people & lots of love - but I just can't feel it, cause of my "Grief" - which is unexplainable. I'm sad at my life I suppose. The situations I'm in or have been in. The love that I get, is often from the wrong people, and I often get no love from the people that I really want to love me.

And the time that I will suffer less
Is when I never have to wake

So true the day I die, I won't have to do this shit no more.

Wandering stars
For whom it is reserved
The blackness of darkness, forever
Wandering stars
For whom it is preserved
The blackness of darkness, forever




And That's it I suppose, Blackness and Darkness Forever.  This situation is never going to be alleviated. And I know that, its called making your bed and lying in it.
 
Those who have seen the needles eye now tread
Like a husk from which all that was now has fled
And the masks that the monsters wear
To feed upon their prey

This for me is about seeing the pointlessness of your life, and now all the essence for living has left your body.  The monsters, I suppose are people, some of them are meant to be monsters, others are just doing what comes naturally. They can sometimes be the nicest of people, but its only after they have "Fed" that you understand.

So that's where I am today, not really sure where to go from here.  I am understanding more and more, that the only way out of the situation I am in is death.  I don't want to kill myself, I keep begging to the gods, pleading that they will see fit to take me, naturally, and that way there will be no terribleness in my passing.  

The health kick is pointless, I am never going to look the way I want.  There is just too much excessive skin, and its always going to be there, unless I get surgery, which I am very reluctant to do. So I don't see the point in still going.  I wish I had started losing weight so much earlier, when I was a teenager, and now I could see my life been so much different.  Boys like boys that are attractive.  That's the truth, no one will convince me otherwise. And there isn't going to be any boys that like me with all the excessive skin.  I don't like the look of it, why would they?

Don't get me wrong, I know that I am young, and I am sure that many people would say, "Your just young, you don't know whats going to happen tomorrow!" - Well, I have been living with that mentality since I was 12, or possibly younger, ever since I found out there was a way to hit your exit button, I've wanted to hit mine.  I suppose now, looking back at when I really decided to get fat, it was because of that.  I wanted to die so badly, that I thought I could if I ate enough shit to kill my body systems, well you get the rest... 

But alas that was not to be. I attempted suicide a few times in my life.  The time that I got the closest was when I was about 16.  My only wish about it now, is that I wish I had succeeded.  My life would be ended (Which incidentally I would be happy about)  - and I wouldn't have fucked up so many other peoples lives in the process of me continuing to live.  Everything I touch turns to shit, I know that, so I need to learn to stop touching stuff, lol!

There is a gay couple that lives in the same town that I do.  And personally they make me sick.  The guy that is obsiviously the bottom in the relationship, sleeps around on his husband, has a permant extra lover, bleeds him for money, and to be honest I have never seen him say one nice thing about his partner, EVER!  It makes me so sad.  I watched some terrible MTV show the other day with a little gay guy having a birthday party that was rainforest themed, he treated his man like shit.  THATS NOT ON!!! Why would you do that.  If you are lucky enough to have found someone to love you like that WHY on EARTH would you fuck it up.  It just makes no sense.  

If I had a boy, and my life was different, I would treat him like a god.  I would adore him, love him do anything for him; and I hope that he would do the same for me.....but thats enough of that deluded fantasy.  

Well thats it I suppose, lets keep going on and on and on and on and on.........

My life update

Well I should start by saying that right now I'm really depressed. Everything is so screwed up. My head is definitely the worse of the screwed I think. There is nothing that I can do to make everything ok. Nothing. I can't see myself in any better situation - ever. I have deluded fantasies and I need to accept that. I live a life in which I know that which I dream about can never come to be.

I realised today as well, that the excessive skin that I have, due to me been so fat, is never going away, so really Whats of the health kick - because what's it for anyway, a deluded fantasy that's never going to come to pass. Not in this lifetime. 

And you know no matter what I do to try and quite my head and just settle & calm the fuck down; nothing works. I wish for death. I pray everyday that god will take me and relieve me if this burden of life. But that's not going to happen either. I need to just be happy with my lot, and I should be. Every aspect of my life is pretty awesome compared to this - I mean I have some issues, but nothing that can't be resolved. I just want it to end.

But solider on none the less I suppose.

Interesting life, what to do!?!

My life is certainly interesting. No doubt of that! I fall for straight mates of mine so easily. I just can't help it - all of them are beautiful wonderful people, who deserve to be with amazing women!!! Some of them are with wonderful women - that I adore, some if them are with bitches or whores, neither do I mind, but it would be good if they were nice at least. But it's such torture - my best mate, who I love so much - has recently got himself a girlfriend. I'm sure she's nice, but I can't help but dislike her - and of course it's got nothing to do with her. It's because I love him so much, and have shed many tears over him since this new woman came along!

I am not doing well at the moment - I just can't seem to get happy - there is just so much going on, and so many things that I'm considering. Relationships are so hard. I can tell that Steph (My fag hag wife) knows that I'm not happy on our relationship. She is trying everything to make it work, but I can't say that it is. Louise said that we would make it last a least a year. But I'm not sure about that. Half of me wants it to be over - and half of me thinks it would be the worse idea in the whole world. So what to do?!?!?

It frightens me what will happen. I can't say that I haven't been thinking about suicide - sometimes I think it would just be easier (I'm not going too, but just think it would be easier if I was dead!) But I think of all the people that would be left & the burden they would have if I committed suicide. Not to mention the fact that I believe in the afterlife & I'm just not quite sure what might happen.

Who knows? And then I have this deluded fantasy of there been some perfect man for me out there, who will know everything about me and still love me and want me. I feel in all honesty I feel that I'm just so fucked up, I'm beyond all help. There is certainly no way that I can reset my life, so the bed that I have made I need to lay in. That I suppose is it really, just ride the storm.

Who am I? Who Are You?

Well I suppose this is a good enough place to start…..

I am a 30 year old gay male.  I live in the Gold Coast Hinterland in Australia, where I manage a shop.  I have never had a "Real Boyfriend", and I know why.  I have always been fat (Until Recently), and it has held me back from a lot of things.  School was merciless, school for fat kids is always bad I suppose, and for fat gay kids its even worse.  There are so many things that I regret from then….one is that I just didn't get off my arse and try to lose some weight - I never did, I just kept eating.  I regret never having a high school boyfriend, never making out with anyone, losing my youth and my teenage hood, and its only now that I realise it.  This continued until I was about 20, when I weighed in at a total of 507 pounds (230 Kgs) - it was at that point that I went, OMFG! What have I done to myself and I began a health regime.  I implore anyone that is overweight, gay and single to loose weight! Do it for yourself! Do it for a Life! And Do it before its too late!

I am now 196 pounds (89 kg), so still tubby around the middle, but its going, I run all the time, I go the gym and I eat only the healthiest of foods.  Unfortunately it is true, the only way to lose weight is through diet and exercise.  Sad but true. I just hope that I loose the extra skin, if it is that, maybe its still just fat? Who knows?  I wanted to work in the fashion industry and still to this day its one of my greatest passions and interests, I so can not wait to fit into those beautiful clothes for the first time in my life.

When I went to college I did have some casual sex buddies, but none of them were boyfriend material, or even people that I wanted to date.  I fell in love with so many of my straight guy friends at uni.  One of them was the great love of my life but he went mad, and I don't see him anymore.  Besides it hurts too much to think about him now anyway.

In uni I had lots of friends though, heaps of which I am still friends with to this day. And friends, god love them, will lie to you.  They always used to tell me that there was no reason that I shouldn't have a boyfriend, and that the boys are just all missing out.  I needed to discover the truth on my own which I think now I have, which is why I am on such a huge health kick, and a long one I might add! (But then again I can't say there haven't been slip ups on the way.)

When I left uni, I moved in with one of my friends.  She was the greatest fag hag anyone could have asked for.  Now let me point out here, at this point in the story, that I am still to this day not really sure how or why the events that I am about to transcribe occurred, however they did…At no point in my life have I identified as bi or straight.  I am a gay guy, people know it the moment that they meet me, and I don't mean to do it - it just happens.  When I came out. people were like, "What? You have only just worked that out?" and I was all shocked, thinking, "Wow, did every one know before I did?" - My parents were a different story, coming from a strong Irish Catholic family, I was of course going to hell, my lifestyle was certainly not approved of, and serious shit went down, but that is a story for another day.

My great fag hag and I lived together for ages, however she lack serious social skills, due to her been raised in a rural area in a strong traditional family.  Therefore she doesn't meet people etc. (And I must say that it is a concern of mine, as with out me she really has no one, besides her very disapproving family) After living together for a while, she seduced me one night, and before you knew it we were sleeping together.  And before I knew it, she was suddenly my girlfriend, my family were blissfully happy (Her's weren't I might add.  And I should also add that my family were all saying, "How wonderful, he has finally found the right girl!"), and I can't say that I wasn't happy either.  People started to treat me like a straight man.  It was amazing.  I know that gay rights have moved on, but I do distinctly remember saying to her, "I am never going back to been gay! The way that people treat you is so different!" and its true.  No longer was I a novelty or some sort of entertainment.  I mattered, my opinion mattered, and it was all because I was straight.  I am so sorry to write that down, but its true.

Time moved on, and before I knew it we were married, and recently I have worked out that I was in some sort of haze, some deluded dream, and its only now that the fog is starting to clear and I can see clearly. 

We were in a open relationship, even after our marriage, I had always said, that I couldn't never not be gay again for the rest of my life, and I thought it unfair for her to never have a partner that was truly passionate and lustful towards her.  Since I have been losing weight, and since I don't look so repulsive anymore, I have been chatted up a couple of times in my shop recently - as I said we have been in an open relationship - however the moment that there was a potential for me to go on a date, she freaked, and we are now in the process of sorting out what to do. 

She wants me to stay and be a husband and a father and all this other stuff - which I can't say I don't want to do either but  I think, no I know, that I want a man, someone tall dark and handsome, someone smart, someone fit.  So we are now in the process of breaking up I suppose.  Which is really hard.  and I know that I am going to be the asshole gay guy that married a straight woman. And I worry about her, and what going to happen.

So I started this text message blog.  These are texts from another deluded fantasy of mine (One I suppose I hope will come true) - one where I have a boyfriend, who I love, and who loves me.  It brings me comfort to message someone, even if that someone isn't there, or possibly will never be there……….