Interesting life, what to do!?!

My life is certainly interesting. No doubt of that! I fall for straight mates of mine so easily. I just can't help it - all of them are beautiful wonderful people, who deserve to be with amazing women!!! Some of them are with wonderful women - that I adore, some if them are with bitches or whores, neither do I mind, but it would be good if they were nice at least. But it's such torture - my best mate, who I love so much - has recently got himself a girlfriend. I'm sure she's nice, but I can't help but dislike her - and of course it's got nothing to do with her. It's because I love him so much, and have shed many tears over him since this new woman came along!

I am not doing well at the moment - I just can't seem to get happy - there is just so much going on, and so many things that I'm considering. Relationships are so hard. I can tell that Steph (My fag hag wife) knows that I'm not happy on our relationship. She is trying everything to make it work, but I can't say that it is. Louise said that we would make it last a least a year. But I'm not sure about that. Half of me wants it to be over - and half of me thinks it would be the worse idea in the whole world. So what to do?!?!?

It frightens me what will happen. I can't say that I haven't been thinking about suicide - sometimes I think it would just be easier (I'm not going too, but just think it would be easier if I was dead!) But I think of all the people that would be left & the burden they would have if I committed suicide. Not to mention the fact that I believe in the afterlife & I'm just not quite sure what might happen.

Who knows? And then I have this deluded fantasy of there been some perfect man for me out there, who will know everything about me and still love me and want me. I feel in all honesty I feel that I'm just so fucked up, I'm beyond all help. There is certainly no way that I can reset my life, so the bed that I have made I need to lay in. That I suppose is it really, just ride the storm.