Dear Diary.....

I saw this on another blog, where you write your diary entry from a place in the future where everything is exactly like you want it.  Please note that I have taken some liberty with Character names, as If I didn't, it wouldn't make sense.  There is a list of Characters before the post.  I've also taken some liberties with my life, I live in California now, instead of Australia.  I love visualization exercises, so I thought I would give it ago...

Aaron - My Husband
Steph - The ex wife

Lou - current best-friend 

Rich - Lou's husband



November 1st 2023

Dear Diary,

Well its the day after Halloween and the kids and Aaron are still asleep after a fun filled night.  I'm up early as usual and I've just finished cleaning up after the party, and finally the house is back in some sort of order.  The kids totally destroyed the lounge, but after all that's what kids do - and who can blame them they had such fun.  They will be up soon, and then it will be cartoons, breakfast and maybe a trip to Disney, we all love that, especially the kids and it is Saturday morning after all!

Aaron and I are so happy.  Everything in our life is Bliss, I love it how he holds me when we are sleeping, his strong arms gripping me make me feel like nothing can hurt me in the world, I love it how he kisses me, and grabs me from behind and hugs me, and whispers in my ear that he loves me and only me, and when he kisses me, I still go weak and shake. And the sex, well amazing doesn't even come close!!!

The kids are wonderful too, all growing up way too fast! They truly make Aaron & my family complete. And all of them are so talented in so many ways & all healthy as horses! Aaron loves them all dearly as well.

Lou and Rich left a few days ago now, after there annual trip to burning man. It's always so nice to see them & they are wonderful loving people. I'm so glad to have them in our lives. I just hope Rich doesn't lead any of my beautiful children astray!! Lol! He is such a party animal, Still!  I'm glad Lou & Rich are happy now too, they sorted all their issues out and both of them have great additional partners! I love the lot of them.

We are spending Hanukkah with Aarons family, which will be great.  I love been around all of them, they are such fun, and I love how they laugh and have such a good time.  Aaron's mum is going to teach me how to cook more Hanukkah foods this year, which will be great, I love been in the kitchen with her.  And I think after that we are going to spend Christmas in Australia, with my parents. The kids and Aaron are coming, they love it on the farm, and Mum and Dad love to dote on them.  Then we will come back here, I love it here, the house is amazing, we have fantastic friends and neighbors.  And my shop is going so successfully! I think I'll be earning more than Aaron soon, lol!

I talked to Steph the other day & things are great in her life too, she and her new husband are doing well, about to buy a second house and expecting a new baby - Steph says this will be her last and after 4 (Which is how many we have), I think it's a wise decision, 5 would be intense! Although maybe we could handle another one.

Well Aaron's up now, I can hear him in the kitchen making coffee, so it's off to do the day.

-----------------------------------

It made me both sad and really happy too write that. Sad because its fantasy & happy because its a nice dream!

What I thought

A couple of days ago, I stopped posting here for a little while, cause I was worried that doing this, and talking to this gay boyfriend, who doesn't exist, might be actually the thing that was making me depressed.  But I realize now that its not that at all, every time I write a little loving message here to him, who ever him is, I get this little burst of happiness.  In some way the fantasy lives, If only for a moment, and my heart soars.

I'm so unsure of anything anymore.  I just want to die, everything would be so much fucking easier if I just died!

Hey

Well what do you do if nothing makes you happy anymore. Nothing, everything seems just that - pointless. I have no hope - I know that I'm not going to be happy, I just can't do it - I'm never going to get what I want. They say that "Contentment is the most noble cause on earth" - and there is no way I have ever been content and there is certainly no chance of it now. There is no hope. I should die and release the people I have trapped and ensnared in my life.

Who am I? Who Are You?

Well I suppose this is a good enough place to start…..

I am a 30 year old gay male.  I live in the Gold Coast Hinterland in Australia, where I manage a shop.  I have never had a "Real Boyfriend", and I know why.  I have always been fat (Until Recently), and it has held me back from a lot of things.  School was merciless, school for fat kids is always bad I suppose, and for fat gay kids its even worse.  There are so many things that I regret from then….one is that I just didn't get off my arse and try to lose some weight - I never did, I just kept eating.  I regret never having a high school boyfriend, never making out with anyone, losing my youth and my teenage hood, and its only now that I realise it.  This continued until I was about 20, when I weighed in at a total of 507 pounds (230 Kgs) - it was at that point that I went, OMFG! What have I done to myself and I began a health regime.  I implore anyone that is overweight, gay and single to loose weight! Do it for yourself! Do it for a Life! And Do it before its too late!

I am now 196 pounds (89 kg), so still tubby around the middle, but its going, I run all the time, I go the gym and I eat only the healthiest of foods.  Unfortunately it is true, the only way to lose weight is through diet and exercise.  Sad but true. I just hope that I loose the extra skin, if it is that, maybe its still just fat? Who knows?  I wanted to work in the fashion industry and still to this day its one of my greatest passions and interests, I so can not wait to fit into those beautiful clothes for the first time in my life.

When I went to college I did have some casual sex buddies, but none of them were boyfriend material, or even people that I wanted to date.  I fell in love with so many of my straight guy friends at uni.  One of them was the great love of my life but he went mad, and I don't see him anymore.  Besides it hurts too much to think about him now anyway.

In uni I had lots of friends though, heaps of which I am still friends with to this day. And friends, god love them, will lie to you.  They always used to tell me that there was no reason that I shouldn't have a boyfriend, and that the boys are just all missing out.  I needed to discover the truth on my own which I think now I have, which is why I am on such a huge health kick, and a long one I might add! (But then again I can't say there haven't been slip ups on the way.)

When I left uni, I moved in with one of my friends.  She was the greatest fag hag anyone could have asked for.  Now let me point out here, at this point in the story, that I am still to this day not really sure how or why the events that I am about to transcribe occurred, however they did…At no point in my life have I identified as bi or straight.  I am a gay guy, people know it the moment that they meet me, and I don't mean to do it - it just happens.  When I came out. people were like, "What? You have only just worked that out?" and I was all shocked, thinking, "Wow, did every one know before I did?" - My parents were a different story, coming from a strong Irish Catholic family, I was of course going to hell, my lifestyle was certainly not approved of, and serious shit went down, but that is a story for another day.

My great fag hag and I lived together for ages, however she lack serious social skills, due to her been raised in a rural area in a strong traditional family.  Therefore she doesn't meet people etc. (And I must say that it is a concern of mine, as with out me she really has no one, besides her very disapproving family) After living together for a while, she seduced me one night, and before you knew it we were sleeping together.  And before I knew it, she was suddenly my girlfriend, my family were blissfully happy (Her's weren't I might add.  And I should also add that my family were all saying, "How wonderful, he has finally found the right girl!"), and I can't say that I wasn't happy either.  People started to treat me like a straight man.  It was amazing.  I know that gay rights have moved on, but I do distinctly remember saying to her, "I am never going back to been gay! The way that people treat you is so different!" and its true.  No longer was I a novelty or some sort of entertainment.  I mattered, my opinion mattered, and it was all because I was straight.  I am so sorry to write that down, but its true.

Time moved on, and before I knew it we were married, and recently I have worked out that I was in some sort of haze, some deluded dream, and its only now that the fog is starting to clear and I can see clearly. 

We were in a open relationship, even after our marriage, I had always said, that I couldn't never not be gay again for the rest of my life, and I thought it unfair for her to never have a partner that was truly passionate and lustful towards her.  Since I have been losing weight, and since I don't look so repulsive anymore, I have been chatted up a couple of times in my shop recently - as I said we have been in an open relationship - however the moment that there was a potential for me to go on a date, she freaked, and we are now in the process of sorting out what to do. 

She wants me to stay and be a husband and a father and all this other stuff - which I can't say I don't want to do either but  I think, no I know, that I want a man, someone tall dark and handsome, someone smart, someone fit.  So we are now in the process of breaking up I suppose.  Which is really hard.  and I know that I am going to be the asshole gay guy that married a straight woman. And I worry about her, and what going to happen.

So I started this text message blog.  These are texts from another deluded fantasy of mine (One I suppose I hope will come true) - one where I have a boyfriend, who I love, and who loves me.  It brings me comfort to message someone, even if that someone isn't there, or possibly will never be there……….