Dear Diary.....

I saw this on another blog, where you write your diary entry from a place in the future where everything is exactly like you want it.  Please note that I have taken some liberty with Character names, as If I didn't, it wouldn't make sense.  There is a list of Characters before the post.  I've also taken some liberties with my life, I live in California now, instead of Australia.  I love visualization exercises, so I thought I would give it ago...

Aaron - My Husband
Steph - The ex wife

Lou - current best-friend 

Rich - Lou's husband



November 1st 2023

Dear Diary,

Well its the day after Halloween and the kids and Aaron are still asleep after a fun filled night.  I'm up early as usual and I've just finished cleaning up after the party, and finally the house is back in some sort of order.  The kids totally destroyed the lounge, but after all that's what kids do - and who can blame them they had such fun.  They will be up soon, and then it will be cartoons, breakfast and maybe a trip to Disney, we all love that, especially the kids and it is Saturday morning after all!

Aaron and I are so happy.  Everything in our life is Bliss, I love it how he holds me when we are sleeping, his strong arms gripping me make me feel like nothing can hurt me in the world, I love it how he kisses me, and grabs me from behind and hugs me, and whispers in my ear that he loves me and only me, and when he kisses me, I still go weak and shake. And the sex, well amazing doesn't even come close!!!

The kids are wonderful too, all growing up way too fast! They truly make Aaron & my family complete. And all of them are so talented in so many ways & all healthy as horses! Aaron loves them all dearly as well.

Lou and Rich left a few days ago now, after there annual trip to burning man. It's always so nice to see them & they are wonderful loving people. I'm so glad to have them in our lives. I just hope Rich doesn't lead any of my beautiful children astray!! Lol! He is such a party animal, Still!  I'm glad Lou & Rich are happy now too, they sorted all their issues out and both of them have great additional partners! I love the lot of them.

We are spending Hanukkah with Aarons family, which will be great.  I love been around all of them, they are such fun, and I love how they laugh and have such a good time.  Aaron's mum is going to teach me how to cook more Hanukkah foods this year, which will be great, I love been in the kitchen with her.  And I think after that we are going to spend Christmas in Australia, with my parents. The kids and Aaron are coming, they love it on the farm, and Mum and Dad love to dote on them.  Then we will come back here, I love it here, the house is amazing, we have fantastic friends and neighbors.  And my shop is going so successfully! I think I'll be earning more than Aaron soon, lol!

I talked to Steph the other day & things are great in her life too, she and her new husband are doing well, about to buy a second house and expecting a new baby - Steph says this will be her last and after 4 (Which is how many we have), I think it's a wise decision, 5 would be intense! Although maybe we could handle another one.

Well Aaron's up now, I can hear him in the kitchen making coffee, so it's off to do the day.

-----------------------------------

It made me both sad and really happy too write that. Sad because its fantasy & happy because its a nice dream!

Good morning

Good morning my angel, how are you today. I really need you now, I had about of Mr. Right now last night, and realize it just made me want you more. I love you xxx ooo

Good night

Good night my baby, I'm going to bed now. I love you, I'm working hard, so that I'm beautiful for you when we finally meet each other. You can't believe how much I miss you, I need you...so much. Ok now I'm sounding like a Whiny bitch - love you good night xxx ooo

Good morning

Hello my angel, how are you? I'm so cold this morning!! Winter is bad, lol! Love u xxx ooo

Good night

Good night my baby. I love you, and I miss you terribly, I can't wait until your holding me. I need to feel your arms around me!!! I hope your happy where ever you are. Love u xxx ooo

Skin shrinkage

Good morning baby, how r u? I'm good, just waiting for coffee at work. I think my skin is shrinking!! Amazing!!!! Maybe all hope isn't lost!! Love u xxx ooo

Off to bed

I'm going to bed now baby. In the end I did nothing today, got all dressed up then got back on my pjs. Lets hope for a better one tomorrow - love u xxx ooo

What I thought

A couple of days ago, I stopped posting here for a little while, cause I was worried that doing this, and talking to this gay boyfriend, who doesn't exist, might be actually the thing that was making me depressed.  But I realize now that its not that at all, every time I write a little loving message here to him, who ever him is, I get this little burst of happiness.  In some way the fantasy lives, If only for a moment, and my heart soars.

I'm so unsure of anything anymore.  I just want to die, everything would be so much fucking easier if I just died!

Good morning

Good morning my baby. I have the day off today. One of my mates invited me to go to dreamworld - but that don't make the wife happy - so we aren't going now  :( Anyway, I thought I was only really disappoint cause the mate that invited me is the one I love. So I suppose I just wanted to go and live the deluded fantasy for a while, anyway, what to do now on my day off? Love you xxx ooo

Good morning

Good morning baby. I'm sorry I haven't msg'ed you in the last couple of days but I thought that it might have been you that was making me depressed. But I am feeling happy at the moment, which is great. And I don't think it has anything to do with you. I wish I was waking up at your house though this morning. I had to get a hot water bottle last night - I placed it at my back, and imagined it was you hugging me, making me warm. Love you baby xxx ooo

Good morning

Hello my baby, how are you today? I've gotten up like hella early, but it's ok, I love you - happy Soltice. It's Yule here in the south. So I hope you get all your Yuletide dreams n a good Yule log ;) love you xxx ooo

Good night

Good night baby, I love you, I just wish you were here. Xxx ooo

Hey

Well what do you do if nothing makes you happy anymore. Nothing, everything seems just that - pointless. I have no hope - I know that I'm not going to be happy, I just can't do it - I'm never going to get what I want. They say that "Contentment is the most noble cause on earth" - and there is no way I have ever been content and there is certainly no chance of it now. There is no hope. I should die and release the people I have trapped and ensnared in my life.

Hey baby

Hey baby, how's your day? Mines ok, just hanging in the shop - but I'm f'ing cold! Any ways I just thought I would MSG you and tell you I love you, miss you and can't wait to be in your arms. Love you xxx ooo

F'ing work

Well here I am at work. Bored as, no customers, and me just sitting behind my counter, there is plenty to do, but I couldn't be fucked, I know that I need to be happy so I thought I would send a message to you. What are you doing? Hope your having fun! Love you xxx ooo

Good morning

Hello my baby. I've just woken up - god it's cold here this morning. Love u hope you have a good day. Xxx ooo

Good night

Good night baby. I love you xxx ooo

FML - I just dont know what else to call it

Well here I sit again, in the depths of depression, still with nothing sorted out.  There are so many things wrong now, I am not sure what to do anymore.  Everyday things get worse.  I wish I would die, I really do, I wish god would just take me and all this shit would end.  It appears that there is nothing that I can do or say - everything appears to be over now - so I don't understand why it shouldn't be for my life. 

Firstly, it appears that my business is finished.  I don't think that its going to be viable if we move, which was our plan to make it viable, we can't stay where we are and it appears now that all its going to do is put me in a lot of debt, from which, I will have to go bankrupt.  I am already in an extreme amount of debt now, however all of it is covered by the business and business was good, up until recently, when a series of unfortunate events have dried up the tourists in my town.  I have no other money, no other sources of income, so if that goes, money and lifestyle are all down the drain. Total eggs in one basket story, but its so hard not to do that when you own a shop.  So I am going to have to get a job. There are a few about so I am having to fill in applications now.

Secondly, nothing has changed in the relationship, she knows that something isn't right and she is questioning me about it, and I am answering truthfully, but she seems to be holding on to something that isn't there. And why shouldn't she, I suppose, it was her creation in the first place, not that I am saying I didn't participate in its creation, or its continuation - but she knew I was gay before I met her, and she still dived in head first - Even though I was trying to be the word of caution.  But then in saying that she isn't going to be the arsehole at the end of this, I am - I'm going to be the fag that married a straight girl, and broke her heart. 

To be fair, I certainly haven't said that its over, as I don't want to do that too her.  I know that sounds strange, but she isn't the most emotionally stable person, and my plan is to kind of gently nudge her out the door, with a job, a new boyfriend and a new life.  I am letting her know all the time that its finished in so many ways.  We had a big discussion the other day about the reality of no matter what she does, in regards to getting pretty, she will never be more attractive to me than she is now.  I couldn't disagree with her, as right now, I love her and that's what gives me the ability to have sex with her, not because of her physical attractiveness.  I should add, she is a very beautiful woman - Straight guys drool over her, and she has a body that women would kill for.

I watched some video on you tube today about straight people finding out that there partner was gay.  Most of them were devastated at first, but got over it.  But there was always deception in the beginning. As in they lied and stated that they weren't gay and then later said they were.  Not that all of them lied, but that's not the point that I am trying to make.  The point is I have never lied to her about my sexuality.  She has always known and knows that I am attracted to men and that I am not fond of having sex with women; and certainly the only woman I will ever sleep with is her and she knows that. But I am sure that in the end, the relationship ending will be tragic, no doubt of that.

My straight mate that I am so in love with, is so now with his new girlfriend, and I am happy for him, I really am, but I am sad too, cause I just want a man like him so much.  But then again thats just stupidity so I need to get it out of my head.  My man only exists here, and I need to remember that.  I also need to remember that straight mates are just that, straight mates.  Not potential boyfriends or husbands.  I wish he loved me like that - every essence of my being wishes that.  I should add that he knows this.  I told him once that I would leave everything in my life, for a chance to be with him, and that whoever gets him should know that they are one of the most lucky people in the world.  I remember once too when we were drunk, he asked if there was any way that I knew to make him gay - cause if there was he would do it, and we could be together.  More deluded fantasy!!!! 

There is this Joe Brooks song called "For You", that I am in love with at the moment.  It is so how I feel right now.  Like I am waiting for some imaginary man...(Deluded fantastical rant begin here....) That will be Jewish, who's parents will love me, he will adore me, and I will adore him and we will travel the world together, adopt babies together, live in the most amazing house, that's filled with love.  We will have all these friends, who love us and think we are just the greatest couple, and that won't be a lie, we will be! But I also know that this is just more deluded fantasy. 

My health kick is pointless.  I am still doing everything, eating right, excerising, but the loose skin is becoming really noticible now.  I enquired about getting a full body lift, a cosmetic surgical procedure, which is going to be nearly 10, 000 and the reality is I can't afford that and more to the point, it sounds really full on, and I am going to have permenant scaring and there is the possiblity of all these complications.  So I am not that keen anyway.  But none the less it appears to be an impossibility as well money wise which certainly seems like its going to be an impossibility for me to ever have an attractive body.  Now that I am getting thin, I am starting to look good in clothes, its quite another story when you see my naked body, with all the excessive skin, draped over it like the fabric on an ancient roman sculpture. Great sagging sacks on my stomach and thighs - not attractive - So I already know that there will never be any man that wants to take that on, and the only ones that do, I won't be attracted too, which makes me seem shallow - which I'm not - I have loved all sorts of guys, in all shapes in sizes, but I know that I like guys that look after themselves, they don't have to be Adonis, but it would be nice for them to have strong arms, a healthy body and want to look good and be presentable to the rest of the world.  I don't think that's shallow, well I hope its not shallow.

In all honesty I feel now that I should pack up the shop, try and pay back as much money as I can, which hopefully will be most of it.  Get the wife sorted, get her a new husband, new job, life etc.  Distance myself from everyone that way ensuring there were minimal people in my life, and then I could kill myself and no one would know.  There is a movie called, "Dreams of a Life", about a lady in London that died in her apartment and her body wasn't discovered for three years, which at that point was just a skeleton.  That would be awesome, in some ways I think, to have no one to worry about you for three years - you would know that you hadn't left anyone or anything, people just forgot about you, or thought that you just moved on to bigger and better things.  I'd like people to think that, rather than he took his life - and they ruled her death as "Unascertained" - that would be so much better the suicide on the death certificate. 

Maybe just disappearing has occurred to me too, like walking into the ocean.  That would certainly satisfy lots of ancient poetry that I have read,"My love and life is lost, so I walked into the sea", or just walking off into the desert.  I am pretty sure that would still be considered suicide, and since I do worry about the end of this life and what will happen to me - it is a concern of mine.

Well I am sure things will continue - I hope I can hold on and keep everything in balance, which I am finding so hard at the moment. 

Oh God - Please just let me die!

Good morning

Good morning my angel. How are you? It's my day off today, but it's so cold that I haven't left the bedroom yet. I wish I could go and hang out with you for the day or maybe we could just stay in bed most of the day, keeping each other warm. Love u xxx ooo

Good night

Good night my baby boy. I love you. I wish you were holding me right now. And I was safe and warm in your arms. I love you & miss you. Please come to me soon. I love you xxx ooo