Hey baby.....

Hey baby. How's the day? Mine was good, I had a big workout this morning & another one this afternoon & work in between. And now I'm writing this to you after having a shower. I love the feeling of a shower after a workout, the hot water and the smell of the products etc. I feel so good right now, I'm just lying on the bed in my nice soft pj's even though I'm sure I will have to get out of them, after all the night is v v young, hasn't even been born yet! who knows, I might meet you tonite! I love you! Xxx ooo

I wonder

Life.....it really makes you wonder, I'm pretty sure now that there is actually no point in living. I mean it seems at the end of your life, the bad things, sad things, lonely things all far out weigh the good things & happy things.

I am starting to become angry as well. I'm just so mad at everything. Mad at the world, my life, my friends. I can't seem to help it, I'm unhappy and I seem to want to make others unhappy too, which I know sounds silly, even as I write it, I feel stupid. But there is nothing I can do about it unless I recognise it. 

There is a wonderful song by a band called Portishead, called Wandering Star. Now I'm not saying that I'm a star (As in famous), but I am a star and so are you, we are all made from the dust of stars; when I hear that song, it speaks to my soul. So below is my interpretation, and how I feel.

Wandering Star - Portishead.

Please, could you stay a while to share my grief?
For it's such a lovely day
To have to always feel this way

This is how I feel everyday. The world is a lovely place (For some), but there are those that have wonderful days, and for me I am frequented by them. Good days, filled with happy people & lots of love - but I just can't feel it, cause of my "Grief" - which is unexplainable. I'm sad at my life I suppose. The situations I'm in or have been in. The love that I get, is often from the wrong people, and I often get no love from the people that I really want to love me.

And the time that I will suffer less
Is when I never have to wake

So true the day I die, I won't have to do this shit no more.

Wandering stars
For whom it is reserved
The blackness of darkness, forever
Wandering stars
For whom it is preserved
The blackness of darkness, forever




And That's it I suppose, Blackness and Darkness Forever.  This situation is never going to be alleviated. And I know that, its called making your bed and lying in it.
 
Those who have seen the needles eye now tread
Like a husk from which all that was now has fled
And the masks that the monsters wear
To feed upon their prey

This for me is about seeing the pointlessness of your life, and now all the essence for living has left your body.  The monsters, I suppose are people, some of them are meant to be monsters, others are just doing what comes naturally. They can sometimes be the nicest of people, but its only after they have "Fed" that you understand.

So that's where I am today, not really sure where to go from here.  I am understanding more and more, that the only way out of the situation I am in is death.  I don't want to kill myself, I keep begging to the gods, pleading that they will see fit to take me, naturally, and that way there will be no terribleness in my passing.  

The health kick is pointless, I am never going to look the way I want.  There is just too much excessive skin, and its always going to be there, unless I get surgery, which I am very reluctant to do. So I don't see the point in still going.  I wish I had started losing weight so much earlier, when I was a teenager, and now I could see my life been so much different.  Boys like boys that are attractive.  That's the truth, no one will convince me otherwise. And there isn't going to be any boys that like me with all the excessive skin.  I don't like the look of it, why would they?

Don't get me wrong, I know that I am young, and I am sure that many people would say, "Your just young, you don't know whats going to happen tomorrow!" - Well, I have been living with that mentality since I was 12, or possibly younger, ever since I found out there was a way to hit your exit button, I've wanted to hit mine.  I suppose now, looking back at when I really decided to get fat, it was because of that.  I wanted to die so badly, that I thought I could if I ate enough shit to kill my body systems, well you get the rest... 

But alas that was not to be. I attempted suicide a few times in my life.  The time that I got the closest was when I was about 16.  My only wish about it now, is that I wish I had succeeded.  My life would be ended (Which incidentally I would be happy about)  - and I wouldn't have fucked up so many other peoples lives in the process of me continuing to live.  Everything I touch turns to shit, I know that, so I need to learn to stop touching stuff, lol!

There is a gay couple that lives in the same town that I do.  And personally they make me sick.  The guy that is obsiviously the bottom in the relationship, sleeps around on his husband, has a permant extra lover, bleeds him for money, and to be honest I have never seen him say one nice thing about his partner, EVER!  It makes me so sad.  I watched some terrible MTV show the other day with a little gay guy having a birthday party that was rainforest themed, he treated his man like shit.  THATS NOT ON!!! Why would you do that.  If you are lucky enough to have found someone to love you like that WHY on EARTH would you fuck it up.  It just makes no sense.  

If I had a boy, and my life was different, I would treat him like a god.  I would adore him, love him do anything for him; and I hope that he would do the same for me.....but thats enough of that deluded fantasy.  

Well thats it I suppose, lets keep going on and on and on and on and on.........

My life update

Well I should start by saying that right now I'm really depressed. Everything is so screwed up. My head is definitely the worse of the screwed I think. There is nothing that I can do to make everything ok. Nothing. I can't see myself in any better situation - ever. I have deluded fantasies and I need to accept that. I live a life in which I know that which I dream about can never come to be.

I realised today as well, that the excessive skin that I have, due to me been so fat, is never going away, so really Whats of the health kick - because what's it for anyway, a deluded fantasy that's never going to come to pass. Not in this lifetime. 

And you know no matter what I do to try and quite my head and just settle & calm the fuck down; nothing works. I wish for death. I pray everyday that god will take me and relieve me if this burden of life. But that's not going to happen either. I need to just be happy with my lot, and I should be. Every aspect of my life is pretty awesome compared to this - I mean I have some issues, but nothing that can't be resolved. I just want it to end.

But solider on none the less I suppose.

Who am I? Who Are You?

Well I suppose this is a good enough place to start…..

I am a 30 year old gay male.  I live in the Gold Coast Hinterland in Australia, where I manage a shop.  I have never had a "Real Boyfriend", and I know why.  I have always been fat (Until Recently), and it has held me back from a lot of things.  School was merciless, school for fat kids is always bad I suppose, and for fat gay kids its even worse.  There are so many things that I regret from then….one is that I just didn't get off my arse and try to lose some weight - I never did, I just kept eating.  I regret never having a high school boyfriend, never making out with anyone, losing my youth and my teenage hood, and its only now that I realise it.  This continued until I was about 20, when I weighed in at a total of 507 pounds (230 Kgs) - it was at that point that I went, OMFG! What have I done to myself and I began a health regime.  I implore anyone that is overweight, gay and single to loose weight! Do it for yourself! Do it for a Life! And Do it before its too late!

I am now 196 pounds (89 kg), so still tubby around the middle, but its going, I run all the time, I go the gym and I eat only the healthiest of foods.  Unfortunately it is true, the only way to lose weight is through diet and exercise.  Sad but true. I just hope that I loose the extra skin, if it is that, maybe its still just fat? Who knows?  I wanted to work in the fashion industry and still to this day its one of my greatest passions and interests, I so can not wait to fit into those beautiful clothes for the first time in my life.

When I went to college I did have some casual sex buddies, but none of them were boyfriend material, or even people that I wanted to date.  I fell in love with so many of my straight guy friends at uni.  One of them was the great love of my life but he went mad, and I don't see him anymore.  Besides it hurts too much to think about him now anyway.

In uni I had lots of friends though, heaps of which I am still friends with to this day. And friends, god love them, will lie to you.  They always used to tell me that there was no reason that I shouldn't have a boyfriend, and that the boys are just all missing out.  I needed to discover the truth on my own which I think now I have, which is why I am on such a huge health kick, and a long one I might add! (But then again I can't say there haven't been slip ups on the way.)

When I left uni, I moved in with one of my friends.  She was the greatest fag hag anyone could have asked for.  Now let me point out here, at this point in the story, that I am still to this day not really sure how or why the events that I am about to transcribe occurred, however they did…At no point in my life have I identified as bi or straight.  I am a gay guy, people know it the moment that they meet me, and I don't mean to do it - it just happens.  When I came out. people were like, "What? You have only just worked that out?" and I was all shocked, thinking, "Wow, did every one know before I did?" - My parents were a different story, coming from a strong Irish Catholic family, I was of course going to hell, my lifestyle was certainly not approved of, and serious shit went down, but that is a story for another day.

My great fag hag and I lived together for ages, however she lack serious social skills, due to her been raised in a rural area in a strong traditional family.  Therefore she doesn't meet people etc. (And I must say that it is a concern of mine, as with out me she really has no one, besides her very disapproving family) After living together for a while, she seduced me one night, and before you knew it we were sleeping together.  And before I knew it, she was suddenly my girlfriend, my family were blissfully happy (Her's weren't I might add.  And I should also add that my family were all saying, "How wonderful, he has finally found the right girl!"), and I can't say that I wasn't happy either.  People started to treat me like a straight man.  It was amazing.  I know that gay rights have moved on, but I do distinctly remember saying to her, "I am never going back to been gay! The way that people treat you is so different!" and its true.  No longer was I a novelty or some sort of entertainment.  I mattered, my opinion mattered, and it was all because I was straight.  I am so sorry to write that down, but its true.

Time moved on, and before I knew it we were married, and recently I have worked out that I was in some sort of haze, some deluded dream, and its only now that the fog is starting to clear and I can see clearly. 

We were in a open relationship, even after our marriage, I had always said, that I couldn't never not be gay again for the rest of my life, and I thought it unfair for her to never have a partner that was truly passionate and lustful towards her.  Since I have been losing weight, and since I don't look so repulsive anymore, I have been chatted up a couple of times in my shop recently - as I said we have been in an open relationship - however the moment that there was a potential for me to go on a date, she freaked, and we are now in the process of sorting out what to do. 

She wants me to stay and be a husband and a father and all this other stuff - which I can't say I don't want to do either but  I think, no I know, that I want a man, someone tall dark and handsome, someone smart, someone fit.  So we are now in the process of breaking up I suppose.  Which is really hard.  and I know that I am going to be the asshole gay guy that married a straight woman. And I worry about her, and what going to happen.

So I started this text message blog.  These are texts from another deluded fantasy of mine (One I suppose I hope will come true) - one where I have a boyfriend, who I love, and who loves me.  It brings me comfort to message someone, even if that someone isn't there, or possibly will never be there……….