Dear Diary.....

I saw this on another blog, where you write your diary entry from a place in the future where everything is exactly like you want it.  Please note that I have taken some liberty with Character names, as If I didn't, it wouldn't make sense.  There is a list of Characters before the post.  I've also taken some liberties with my life, I live in California now, instead of Australia.  I love visualization exercises, so I thought I would give it ago...

Aaron - My Husband
Steph - The ex wife

Lou - current best-friend 

Rich - Lou's husband



November 1st 2023

Dear Diary,

Well its the day after Halloween and the kids and Aaron are still asleep after a fun filled night.  I'm up early as usual and I've just finished cleaning up after the party, and finally the house is back in some sort of order.  The kids totally destroyed the lounge, but after all that's what kids do - and who can blame them they had such fun.  They will be up soon, and then it will be cartoons, breakfast and maybe a trip to Disney, we all love that, especially the kids and it is Saturday morning after all!

Aaron and I are so happy.  Everything in our life is Bliss, I love it how he holds me when we are sleeping, his strong arms gripping me make me feel like nothing can hurt me in the world, I love it how he kisses me, and grabs me from behind and hugs me, and whispers in my ear that he loves me and only me, and when he kisses me, I still go weak and shake. And the sex, well amazing doesn't even come close!!!

The kids are wonderful too, all growing up way too fast! They truly make Aaron & my family complete. And all of them are so talented in so many ways & all healthy as horses! Aaron loves them all dearly as well.

Lou and Rich left a few days ago now, after there annual trip to burning man. It's always so nice to see them & they are wonderful loving people. I'm so glad to have them in our lives. I just hope Rich doesn't lead any of my beautiful children astray!! Lol! He is such a party animal, Still!  I'm glad Lou & Rich are happy now too, they sorted all their issues out and both of them have great additional partners! I love the lot of them.

We are spending Hanukkah with Aarons family, which will be great.  I love been around all of them, they are such fun, and I love how they laugh and have such a good time.  Aaron's mum is going to teach me how to cook more Hanukkah foods this year, which will be great, I love been in the kitchen with her.  And I think after that we are going to spend Christmas in Australia, with my parents. The kids and Aaron are coming, they love it on the farm, and Mum and Dad love to dote on them.  Then we will come back here, I love it here, the house is amazing, we have fantastic friends and neighbors.  And my shop is going so successfully! I think I'll be earning more than Aaron soon, lol!

I talked to Steph the other day & things are great in her life too, she and her new husband are doing well, about to buy a second house and expecting a new baby - Steph says this will be her last and after 4 (Which is how many we have), I think it's a wise decision, 5 would be intense! Although maybe we could handle another one.

Well Aaron's up now, I can hear him in the kitchen making coffee, so it's off to do the day.

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It made me both sad and really happy too write that. Sad because its fantasy & happy because its a nice dream!

Interesting life, what to do!?!

My life is certainly interesting. No doubt of that! I fall for straight mates of mine so easily. I just can't help it - all of them are beautiful wonderful people, who deserve to be with amazing women!!! Some of them are with wonderful women - that I adore, some if them are with bitches or whores, neither do I mind, but it would be good if they were nice at least. But it's such torture - my best mate, who I love so much - has recently got himself a girlfriend. I'm sure she's nice, but I can't help but dislike her - and of course it's got nothing to do with her. It's because I love him so much, and have shed many tears over him since this new woman came along!

I am not doing well at the moment - I just can't seem to get happy - there is just so much going on, and so many things that I'm considering. Relationships are so hard. I can tell that Steph (My fag hag wife) knows that I'm not happy on our relationship. She is trying everything to make it work, but I can't say that it is. Louise said that we would make it last a least a year. But I'm not sure about that. Half of me wants it to be over - and half of me thinks it would be the worse idea in the whole world. So what to do?!?!?

It frightens me what will happen. I can't say that I haven't been thinking about suicide - sometimes I think it would just be easier (I'm not going too, but just think it would be easier if I was dead!) But I think of all the people that would be left & the burden they would have if I committed suicide. Not to mention the fact that I believe in the afterlife & I'm just not quite sure what might happen.

Who knows? And then I have this deluded fantasy of there been some perfect man for me out there, who will know everything about me and still love me and want me. I feel in all honesty I feel that I'm just so fucked up, I'm beyond all help. There is certainly no way that I can reset my life, so the bed that I have made I need to lay in. That I suppose is it really, just ride the storm.