Dear Diary.....

I saw this on another blog, where you write your diary entry from a place in the future where everything is exactly like you want it.  Please note that I have taken some liberty with Character names, as If I didn't, it wouldn't make sense.  There is a list of Characters before the post.  I've also taken some liberties with my life, I live in California now, instead of Australia.  I love visualization exercises, so I thought I would give it ago...

Aaron - My Husband
Steph - The ex wife

Lou - current best-friend 

Rich - Lou's husband



November 1st 2023

Dear Diary,

Well its the day after Halloween and the kids and Aaron are still asleep after a fun filled night.  I'm up early as usual and I've just finished cleaning up after the party, and finally the house is back in some sort of order.  The kids totally destroyed the lounge, but after all that's what kids do - and who can blame them they had such fun.  They will be up soon, and then it will be cartoons, breakfast and maybe a trip to Disney, we all love that, especially the kids and it is Saturday morning after all!

Aaron and I are so happy.  Everything in our life is Bliss, I love it how he holds me when we are sleeping, his strong arms gripping me make me feel like nothing can hurt me in the world, I love it how he kisses me, and grabs me from behind and hugs me, and whispers in my ear that he loves me and only me, and when he kisses me, I still go weak and shake. And the sex, well amazing doesn't even come close!!!

The kids are wonderful too, all growing up way too fast! They truly make Aaron & my family complete. And all of them are so talented in so many ways & all healthy as horses! Aaron loves them all dearly as well.

Lou and Rich left a few days ago now, after there annual trip to burning man. It's always so nice to see them & they are wonderful loving people. I'm so glad to have them in our lives. I just hope Rich doesn't lead any of my beautiful children astray!! Lol! He is such a party animal, Still!  I'm glad Lou & Rich are happy now too, they sorted all their issues out and both of them have great additional partners! I love the lot of them.

We are spending Hanukkah with Aarons family, which will be great.  I love been around all of them, they are such fun, and I love how they laugh and have such a good time.  Aaron's mum is going to teach me how to cook more Hanukkah foods this year, which will be great, I love been in the kitchen with her.  And I think after that we are going to spend Christmas in Australia, with my parents. The kids and Aaron are coming, they love it on the farm, and Mum and Dad love to dote on them.  Then we will come back here, I love it here, the house is amazing, we have fantastic friends and neighbors.  And my shop is going so successfully! I think I'll be earning more than Aaron soon, lol!

I talked to Steph the other day & things are great in her life too, she and her new husband are doing well, about to buy a second house and expecting a new baby - Steph says this will be her last and after 4 (Which is how many we have), I think it's a wise decision, 5 would be intense! Although maybe we could handle another one.

Well Aaron's up now, I can hear him in the kitchen making coffee, so it's off to do the day.

-----------------------------------

It made me both sad and really happy too write that. Sad because its fantasy & happy because its a nice dream!

What is the point

Well here I sit the day after.  I realized quite a few things last night.  One simple one is that in so many ways I am done with life and living.  I have completed the dreams that I could and I have grieved \ am grieving  for the dreams that I will never experience.  There is just nothing left to live for. I realize that I have been walking through in this haze of "No Feelings" - where I ensure that no matter what I am doing,  I am ALWAYS busy enough that I don't actually have to feel anything. This is why I can keep up such a good front I suppose, there has been years of practice.  I contacted those feeling's yesterday, the ones that I won't let myself feel and I cried; I cried for everything I have had & lost, will never have and all the things that will never be. It seems to be this bottomless pit of sadness, this deep well that won't end.  So I am going to keep it there, I can't deal with it at the moment, and right now I don't want to, I'm too close to the edge, without having that to tip me over. 

And all of those feelings are related to the fact that the dreams and goals I have had, have failed, will always fail, and I have no choice in the matter, cause its not up too me.  Well I suppose some elements of them are, but you need to understand the reality of the situation as well, and in all three cases, I have either done all that I could, am doing all that I can.  There are certain circumstances that are out of my control, even if they were in my realms of control before, they are certainly not now. So below are my dreams, simple dreams or so you would think.

• That I have a Husband, who is kind, loving, attractive, sexual and intelligent.  He's 30-35 is taller than me and I'm 178cm and he is a go getter.  I don't think that is an impossible list.  I think I'm those things.
• That Steph has a great Husband as well, and she is SO happy
• I have a Shop that's successful
• I have a beautiful house and family

And now for the reality check:

I am in a shop that's failing, there is no other word for it.  It was\is my dream though, so I could never hate it, but in so many ways I know that it is over as it was.  I'm in a marriage that I hate, and yet I can't do anything about it, as to do so would be far worse, and I am not talking about me,  I worry about Steph a lot.  I burnt up all my time at University, did a degree that has opted me out of the chances of actual employment, which incidentally took forever to do and took all my uni money. I am now finally skinny and I think looking hot (With Clothes on) - but now I look like a Shar Pei puppy with all this excess rolls of skin. And I don't think owning a house should be an impossibility.  My sister has one, as do most of my cousins, land is just so expensive here. 

When Louise and I were dancing last night, she had all these gay boys around her.  She is such a fag magnet.  And one by one as she introduced them to me, they would smile and move away.  And I am not talking about a cute, like, come follow me smile.  It was a total smile of dismissal, horror that the thought they would even date or look at a guy like me. I know that smile, I got it a lot when I was really fat.

At the end of the night, I did have this nice dance with the hottest guy I think I have ever seen!  He asked for my number, we danced, he kissed me.....It was all very strange and wonderful all at the same time.  I have never had that happen.  It's the first time I have ever been chatted up! He messaged me when I got home and asked what happened to me, and for a photo.  So I told him I went home cause its a long drive (About 2 hours), and sent him through a photo.  And now I haven't heard anything......  So I wonder how good I look in the Drunk glasses.  Hotter than I am obsiviously. 
 I think I should also clarify that in no way does a beautiful house mean something for vogue living.  Or that when I say my Husband is attractive, he doesn't need to be a super model, I just need to love him, and be attracted to him, that's all.

So that's where I am, I know I have said it before, but I know that boys don't like me (At least the ones I like, except that guy last night, which I am still tripping out about, but we can chalk that up to him been drunk) - and that's that. I'm out of options.

I don't want to commit suicide, cause I am worried about the consequences.  I know that sounds strange, but I do worry about it- then I think to myself, the reason that I worry about it is because of my Catholic upbringing.  People who commit suicide go to hell, its that simple to the Catholic's.  I remember a couple of funerals when I was young, that were not allowed to be in the church cause they had killed themselves.  It was so shameful to the family that was left too, to have their child banished from the church.  But then when I really consider it, the Catholics think I am going to Hell anyway -  For having sex with men.  I am not sure if you get send there if you are just attracted to men, I am pretty sure you have to do something. 

So its brought me to interesting place.  The god that I believe in, created gay people as well, and they are certainly not to be punished for love.  I think there are elements of the gay lifestyle that are "bad" - but two men in a loving and committed relationship, is as far as I am concerned accepted and even blessed by God. But If the reason that I don't want to commit suicide is cause I will go to hell, is this based on this old structure as well.  It has to be. So it leaves me in an interesting place.  Maybe it's all just irrelevant.  All of it.  Stephen Delany's words keep haunted me too. " If you are over 35 and you aren't drop-dead gorgeous, don't have a fantastic body, oversized genitals or enough money so that nothing else matters, you are alone. You may have many friends but you will go home alone...You will end up alone, middle-aged and frustrated, always wondering if people really like you or if they just tolerate you."  I know Stephen, I know.

Life....the straight pill and the realization that its all over

Well here I sit again, on a Saturday afternoon, just so over living and life; I have made a realization today - that the friends that I have are not really friends.  None of them actually care about me. I read an interesting article the other day at about if you would take the straight pill, you can read about it here http://kindagayblog.com/would-you-take-a-straight-pill/ - And for the record, I would 100% take the straight pill, life would just be a lot fucking easier  but it was a comment towards the end, from a guy called Stephen Delaney, that broke my heart:

"Steve Delaney · Northwestern University.
Yes, I would take the pill. I'm in my fifties, and I would give anything to live my life again while I was heterosexual. Being gay sounds like an endless party, and it can be as long as you are young and good looking. If you are over 35 and you aren't drop-dead gorgeous, don't have a fantastic body, oversized genitals or enough money so that nothing else matters, you are alone. You may have many friends but you will go home alone, because all the men your age are looking for twentysomethings for the night. You will end up alone, middle-aged and frustrated, always wondering if people really like you or if they just tolerate you. Its different if you are gay and in your twenties now, because the world is more open to you than ever before, but I wonder what it will be like when you are middle-aged. I hope it is better than it is for me."

Just for the record Steve, things ain't!  The facts of the matter - that you stated so eloquently are exactly correct.  It sucks.  But it seems that its the way things are.

I think, no I know, that my friends tolerate me, and try to accommodate me when it suits them. But I'm done with them all. So over it, time for a new life, new friends or time for no life at all.

Good morning

Good morning my angel, how are you today. I really need you now, I had about of Mr. Right now last night, and realize it just made me want you more. I love you xxx ooo

Good night

Good night my baby, I'm going to bed now. I love you, I'm working hard, so that I'm beautiful for you when we finally meet each other. You can't believe how much I miss you, I need you...so much. Ok now I'm sounding like a Whiny bitch - love you good night xxx ooo

Good morning

Hello my angel, how are you? I'm so cold this morning!! Winter is bad, lol! Love u xxx ooo

Good night

Good night my baby. I love you, and I miss you terribly, I can't wait until your holding me. I need to feel your arms around me!!! I hope your happy where ever you are. Love u xxx ooo