Been a while

Well much has happened since last time. I broke up with Steph - I did it for her sake, so she can go and find someone else & now I suppose ill just wait to die -  I'm going to isolate myself as best as possible. I'm not a good influence for anyone, let alone a partner. So I need to be happy alone. I'm not going to find a man. I know that - I've tried don't get me wrong, but it's not worth the time or the hassle, and hey, after 15 years of rejection - it sorts you out before you want anymore. Oh well 

Chicken shit

Well as you can see I have chicken shitted my way out of the time frame I had. I am planning it though - takes a lot a planning. Love u xxx ooo hopefully my dreams will come true next life 

36 hours

Well 36 hours left.... And its all over. Strange way to spend your last hours - at a sex club xxx ooo

Omfg what am I doin

Well I decided since this weeks end is it - well monday actually. I would come out, so here I am in Brisbane.  It's simply reiterated what I already know...to many pretty boys, no one is interested. Im just not ever going to be attractive, no matter how in shape I am. I even got rejected at the sex club - so there you go!!! I thought i wasn't that ugly - but it's clear now that my beautiful friends, whom I love dearly, have lied toe again. I wish I hadn't believed them.  I'm thinking hanging now. In fact I'm pretty certain of it. I just hope that I'm not too chicken shit to go through with it. I need to die, I understand that now. I die and everything is reset. Stephs life, my life - everyone's life. I don't deserve to live  - I simply don't - the sooner I realise that the better off ill be. I just wish now that I would have been successful in trying to kill myself the first time, when I was 15 - if I would have succeeded then, none of this shit would have come to pass. None of it. I need to be brave enough - make sure that I do what I have set out to do. I feel so lucky and so annoyed that all these great ppl have come into my life - I hope that none of them are hurt. But I am sure they will be. Stupid of me. I should have never got others involved in my sad little existence - and then hopefully everything would be alright. I have thought about chasing everyone away. But there is no point, it will take too long. I need to write letters. Steph is going to work tomorrow night, so I will write letters then & she is working again the next night and that's the night that it's going to happen. I'm nervous but excited too. It's all over. What a joyous thought. Sheer happiness. Love you, I hope we are together in the next life. I wish I could have been with you for this one. Love You xxx ooo

Life

So I have decided that I'm going to end it. I'm just in the planning process now, trying to work out exactly how. I don't think I want to be here after the weekend, so it only leaves a couple of days. I have to write letters today or tomorrow - I need to write a few. I think I'm going to do it in a national park that's not too far from where I live. It's closed at the moment so there won't be anyone around. I was going to overdose, but it's just not that easy to get a hold of something that will do it - guaranteed. Rope seems like the only option, Quick, Cheap & effective. I just need to hit the reset button. I don't have a choice anymore. I wish I had some one to hold me, but I know that's an impossibility now. I've screwed everything up, and now the only choice is to free the people that I have trapped into this existence with me. They deserve to move on, without having me tag along for the ride. Who wants tagger on's?!?!? I should have made different choices - I know that now, but what is it that they say, hind sight is 20/20. Pity it's not fore sight. Lol. Well my baby boy, I will write to you right up till it's done. It's been nice to have you, even though I know you are just imaginary, it's been nice to think that someone cares that I can talk to. I love you xxx ooo

Good morning

Hey baby, I'm awake and cold. I really don't like the winter. I brought myself a jumper on eBay a week or so ago - it arrived yesterday & it's way too big. But I'm wearing it anyway. I even wore it too bed last night, and imagined I was wearing your jumper. How sad is that, love you xxx ooo

So sick of been sad

Well here I sit, crying - over it all. I have fucked things up so much in my life and I keep doing it. I need to get over myself, get the rope and stop been so chicken shit.